Its kind of funny sometimes how life works isn’t it? Even when you plan for time off thinking ‘right I’m going to do my best work and be productive and be awesome and the best I can be’ , it isn’t always how its works out.
Because I really am finding life at this moment of time not funny at all, which anyone that knows me knows that I try often to be in situations where I can laugh, ideally with friends or people I love to be around. I also should be happy in that something i.e. my web series that I spent A year and a half working on has finally been recorded and worked on with people I like and respect. I should be happy that I have been hired to run a geek night where I get to teach games and do a live Geek Apocalypse Podcast which I have wanted to do since I started the podcast. I should be happy that ever single penny of what I have earned has been through hardwork and trying to do things that I want to do. I should be happy…..yet I’m not.
Which is because I am depressed, and depression does not give a fuck what you are doing ,it decides to unpack its bags and settle down right outside your front door. In all honestly, I have spent the last few days feeling so ungrateful and unproductive. I woke up on Sunday having finished recording the web series and I felt….unfulfilled. Now I am sure that your shouting, ‘but the fulfilment is coming Steven!’ and your right, but I expected to feel like I was happy with what I was doing. But in context I was feeling weird the last two weeks and was steadily getting worse to the point where I am crying more than laughing every day. Which is obviously bizarre but something I am used to.
Its a terrible feeling because a lot of the time you feel so self conscious and I am spending my time with people thinking ‘I am so not fun right now’ and to be honest, I am not really very fun at all right now. Now, if I put things into perspective, which is very hard to do while depressed, I could be affected by personal things like, my mam having a cancer scare, and my aunti’s going through a difficult time. but to be honest, as difficult as those situations are, I feel I have dealt with them pretty well considering how trying it’s been for me, because for me, its easier being strong for others more than for myself as its more difficult for them than me in that situation.
Everytime I feel this way though, the honest truth is, the thing that’s difficult for me more than anything is, is this loneliness I feel 99% of the time. I understand completely that I am not alone in this, but I guess I mean, their is always so much responsibility on my shoulders that a lot of the time i have to be the strong one, so in a sense I cant be the one that cries all the time. Yet, due to my depression I sadly am one of those people who needs to feel loved and appreciated more when I feel that I can’t even look into people eyes due to feeling totally unimportant.I guess I feel that because, I very often see people I know, married or with someone, that will go to the end of the earth for their partner or lover or spouse or family, and I always get hit with the feeling that, I wish someone fought for me, for once, just so I can take a break and feel the love they get to feel every single day. I guess that’s what I mean by feeling lonely. I can not imagine having someone fight for you and listen to you everyday with the view to helping you anyway they can. and just listen, hug you…. just cos you need a hug. I’m not saying one sided cos like I say I have a lot of responsibility and I’m used to giving, but just…saying ‘I’m here for you, whenever you need me cos you matter’. The irony is I can’t afford therapy so i have no real way of talking this through, and a therapist as helpful as they are, are not personally attached.
But the reason why I started this blog by saying, isnt life funny? It never goes the way you want it to all the time, and I’ll keep trying to get over this, because no matter what day it is, sometimes you can only try your best……and as much as I’m going to struggle, I’ll keep trying.