you can have fun 2moro, I need you today

Ive always thought this and wondered if I will ever meet anyone who understands where I come across with this. But I find this topic fascinating and overwhelmingly dissapointing at the same time. Is what constitutes needing someone? And when does that line get crossed?

I always find it difficult to express this, but I firmly believe that the principle is right, and we as human beings maybe need to recognise it. What i am referring to is, at what point does someone need to reach where one can understand that the situation needs drastic, and emergency action and that they need someone to be there. Its abit like this weekend, where I have been trying to get medication for my depression and find that the nhs cant help me unless my life is at risk? does that mean to suggest im not worth caring about unless I am suicidal? does that mean the fact that I hurt and struggle and feel lonely everyday that I am struggling to survive-is that not an emergency? just because I am not actively trying to end my life, doesnt mean I dont often wish it to end  with what i am going through. is that not worth helping? do i just deal with it? because the mere fact im asking for help, is I cant.

And this concept of being there for someone is interesting, because it is very often given to the person helping to decide what help the person needing it gets. And I very often think, when for example one says, well Im needing to sit with my family and they might need me, that I think, but in this criteria, when someone you say you love and support, needs you to be there and asks you to help, who is the one most in danger? who is the one that isnt safe? because ok your family might need you 2moro, but the one that needs you needs you now. not 2moro, not next week, now. and what if something happens and you weren’t there, if I was playing devils advocate? the first thing most people say in that sense is, I wish i was there. why cant you be? or more likely why werent you?

because under that criteria, anyone outside a circle theyve created that needs help, is overruled by someone who right now, this second, doesnt need any help at all and is safe, so all your energy your putting in someone that doesnt need it.   And that then means the only thing stopping them is that it must mean they must not love the needy person enough or care enough to leave their own safe zone. is that not a fair thing to think? but if you do need someone, its because you have no safe zone, and you are trying to find one by going to someone who makes the situation safer and better and you trust and most likely love. Which if you believe in the principle of loving and caring, is the right thing to do. arent we meant to ask for help? aren’t we meant to break down and need picking up?

Or another way of looking at it, is people then look at you and say you have to get through this yourself? but what if you have tried everything? what if you tried everything you can to be better? and ok , I might be alive 2moro, but I’m dying today, so is that ok to know and do nothing about?? and under that purpose we would never need anyone in our life. because under that basis, we need to be strong enough that we can never ask someone to be there or be needed? whoever thinks that is being unrealistic, and in essence lying. is it better to be fake?

I ask you this as an aside, how do we make relationships meaningful? isnt it through being there through whatever it may be?

Having helped people and gotten help like this, the best most effective form of help ive seen and gave, is rapid and quick and reactionary and instant, and if you think about it, If I said to you that I was hurting, I was Struggling, I was unsure, afraid and needed you, and i loved you, and you know I did, what would you want me to do if that was you? you’d want me to come and you’d want me to be there, right that second. And I dont see how people dont see that, if you help with that amount of power by going round, being there, consoling,as it happens, when its happening, it would take less time to help them in the future, and they would most likely get better quicker. So even if you think ill help them alittle bit at a time when I can, its nowhere near as effective, as meaningful, as helpful, and a better connection to a human being than helping with the problem now. And it doesnt treat them asking you that they need you as seriously as it should be.

If i ever had a family, and this is the crucial bit, and my best friend said to me, Steven, I am struggling today, and I could really do with your help, so i need you be here and then i decided to stay in cos my wife might need me, then Ive married the wrong person, cos she would know i value everyone I love with the same understanding and know how serious i would treat that. so if there wasnt a crisis in my house, i would know that I would be needed in a crisis that is real right now outside of it, and all they would need to do is ask me and tell me, and I can make the most difference by going now not 2moro. Cos they might not need me 2moro, but if we aren’t there for each other at the most crucial of times, whats the point in being friends, whats the point in relationships. whats the point in being needed?

I can understand as well the premise some people have of rather having just people in there lives who are always happy, and keep their problems to themselves, but would life ultimately mean as much if you arent there for the bad stuff as well? think about the best thing youve ever done for someone, it would most likely be when you were there for someone because WE DONT NEED SOMEONE ALL THE TIME. yet when anyone does need someone, its suddenly so difficult to do, which is why it means something, the hardest things in life are worth doing the most, and we can have  million great time, good times, fun times, but to get truely close to someone, you need to be there for the bad. and when it happens, because this isnt said enough, but helping someone is never convenient, but neither is the pain that person goes through. that doesnt make it a reason.

i guess we are growing up in a world, where the easier option or the more instant gratification is better. ive never been more disappointed in humans. i thought we could be better at this. but maybe, I wont be loved enough for this to happen. who knows?

because you can always have fun 2moro, but i need you today, and not soon, or later, now.





Id like this to be more speech

It may surprise people to know that I am very often disappointed with the way things are, and supposedly how everything is meant to work. I very often look at the way society is and how it manipulates how we feel and what we can and cant do, and I cant help but feel disappointed. If you feel that something makes you feel like a million dollars, then why do you not do it more often? And if you look at our excuses…what are they? I’m busy with other things, i need to see other people, what will other people think if i did? And i often look at the bigger picture of, what did i do with my life if I reach my death bed and get to look back? well I spent all my energy on people that i hope one day will change and turn out they didn’t? or did i spend what time and energy I had on this earth with people who respect me, love me and want me to be the best version of me possible, through the good and bad.

you see, i think we spend our time searching for something in our life, without exploring what we have already more.All I know that I want to connect, i want to grow, I want to explore, and I want to share what I have with the people i respect and love, and I dont want to wait anymore.

So i guess what im saying is, id like this to be more, by doing more.

This is not enough monologue

I recently said this speech about mental health and society at an awareness seminar: heres the transcript: I meant every word and on a day where we are easily fooled, somehow seems appropriate.  

‘Isn’t life So interesting? Just look at all the things we do on average in life as an example. Think about it. The mere fact that I can type this on a computer was because someone, in this case Charles Babbage, thought outside the box in making the first programmable computer and Tim Berners lee invented the WWW for me to be able to send out this speech into the ethos that is the internet. Think of that for a moment, think of how many times they had to think and rethink and work and work and work and try unbelievably long, hard and tiresome years to come up with something no one was able to achieve or do? Think about the scale of failure they had to face and how easy it would be to do just nothing? Just think about how we need to clean our teeth, go to the toilet, shower, maybe shave, and someone in each individual case thought about making these things and making things easier, and doing it, without permission and forgetting how difficult something is in the process, but focusing more on how interesting it can be to try and achieve something? Just think of everything you do, one by one on an average day, and how much we rely on each other for anything in the process of life. If you hear anyone say ‘hey man I don’t need anyone or anything’ remind them of the ability to think twice and about all the things what we probably take for granted everyday. Just think about the conversation you have with whoever you live with every morning and how valuable it is to have an avenue to express yourself every single day. How valuable and powerful it is just to have someone to listen.

I think all the time about how much human beings influence each other, how much we need other people to do anything worthwhile or to survive. And isn’t that beautiful? Perfectly beautiful? Just think about how much your parents had to do to get you to where you are now? All the million diaper changes and trying to stop you from not dying from your own sick and all the tantrums and mood swings and all the shit life throws at you. Or when you needed a friend on that day that your ex sends you unnecessarily hurtful and false messages when you really don’t need them. Or when you have a shit day at work and your boyfriend or girlfriend cuddles you and gives you the chance to get over it by just being there for you. Whatever the situation, How much does that mean to have that support? To have that unreserved loyalty and respect for someone you know? If you have that I envy you. We always need someone, all the time, whether we are aware of it or not and whether it means everything or something. And it really matters, otherwise what are we living for?

Yet I ask you to look around and have a look? What do you see? Right now at this very second. Ill tell you what I see.I look at what I see now, today, and all I know is what I see is not enough. I see more than anything an unreserved fuck you to get to fame by any means necessary or spending our time reading how people feel lost or funny or useless in 140 characters or less? I see a severe lack of personal meaningful communication and conversation other than ofcourse posting how you think about something later today, because it is so much more important for your high school friends you haven’t seen in 10 years to know that you hate everything in life and need someone rather than making the time to see someone who actually wants to be there for you? Just think about how many event invites you get, just think, who actually wants you to be there? Do they tell you personally they’d like to see you? Would they even notice if you weren’t there? How impersonal is that actual setup? And think about how many upset messages you put hoping that you get someone saying they care? and how hurt that person must feel to do that? because its so easy in the internet, to miss something, or to defer responsibility because, it cant be as bad as they say is…right?

The way people throw around the word support is interesting too. Is support now regarded as simply turning up? or that you waiting for a response you hope turns up? Is that now regarded as good enough? As in ‘Thankyou ill see you next month where we will repeat this endless cycle where we learn nothing about each other’? Because to me support is by its very morality helping someone when it is inconvenient to do so because you want to help them not suffer. I every single day sit and listen to my mam bitch and complain and ask me to do a million things at once cos she is vulnerable, because I want to help and if it ultimately helps her ill do it. So is that not support that I do?

We as a society have gotten so friggin lazy. I hear countless stories of people saying they fall out with people who don’t text or comment or dont go to an event they got ‘invited’ on facebook. Why are you not pissed at them for not asking them to do something in reality? and why arent we liking the person, rather than just liking their comment or update? And why arent you asking yourself where your spending your energy on? Things that ultimately don’t matter. Is this really what the next generation has to look forward to? a place where we encourage the easy way? is easy the better way? where is preferable to not go to the trouble of sharing your life? it is easy to press send, anyone can do it, its not easy being there for someone. But which is the most important?

I bet you here and now more than ever in your life people say to you, ‘I do not have the time’. Examine that. What are they actually telling you? They are basically telling you how they are not prepared to make any time for you. What is more of a symbol of love support and caring than giving time? Whether its a 5 minute conversation to a afternoon hanging out? What is more meaningful in life? Let me tell you what friends mean to me. I live with my parkinson sufferer ( and now being cancer treated) mother that I look after at home, and I run a business full time, and in the last year I have done 59 podcasts in one year and produced, organised, ran shows, wrote blogs, everything on my own. And I’m tired, really fucking tired to the point where I dont wake up without being in pain. I work around 100 hours a week on everything and need to earn a living and offer emotional support and Im always tired in anyway you want to take it as. I’ve had enough of the lack of help and support from people that should be helping me. I have a fucked shoulder, I get no help, I do not sleep through the sheer amount of responsibility and expectation on my shoulders and I need someone to help me get through it. Like right now. not when you feel like getting round to it. But what am I Meant to do? Stop? Quit? Not care? Remember that thinking I meantioned earlier? What would you do? And if you said what I just said what would you want people you cared about to do? Yet I always without fail make it a priority to see my friends. because I know how much it means being there, because what if you werent there when they needed you most? its about them, they need you, and it saddens me that someones word means nothing anymore. Because without a shadow of a doubt I do not think anything is more important in this world than seeing people that matter to me. But what do you do when its not reciprocated? Is it enough now for people to say ‘well I thought about you today?’ cos if so I love a lot of people then. What does thinking mean if you don’t act upon it? If you think you love someone, how do you let them know you love them? BY MAKING TIME FOR THEM…what changed? Am I not good enough? do I need to try harder?

So when someone tells me or you they don’t have time, what are we meant to say? I don’t believe you? Does that mean I should feel the same? The ‘fuck this lets just not talk or do anything serious, lets just pretend and wait to die?’ Should I just accept this is all we do? Should I do what everyone else does and wait for permission of this imaginery permission giver? Cos You cant make people care. So what are we meant to do to show we care now? Complain about it on an update unless someone gives in through pity?? Whatever happened to real talking? real Communication,understanding? And wheres the reassurance? So many people fail to reiterate to someone they mean something, again are we just meant to think everyone wishes we felt better? Or do we actually do something about it? And are you sick of people feeling pity as much as I am? Pity is the most useless emotion, there are so many people I know who always say ‘well thats the way it is’ or ‘I wish there was something we can do’ rather than thinking they can do something about it, we can do something, if we just understood how much you can make a difference. how much we can make a difference to each other.

And thats the reason I wanted to say this. Its the reason I wake up angry and why life disappoints me more than youll ever realise, cos the way society is and the lack of connection feels so alien to me. I hear so many conversations with people that just feel like they cant make a difference to anyone,when The reason I am here now trying to survive is through certain people taking a chance on me. And as I said at the beginning of this blog,look at our lives, someone somewhere in everything we say and do, influenced you and helped you be the person you are today. So isnt that worth fighting for? Am I worth fighting for? I ask myself that everyday, and I wish someone somewhere had an answer and turned up to my door to tell me that. because if we ‘care’ from afar, the answer is I’m not good enough.

Cos who am I to say this to you? All I am is a manic depressive lonely geek who doesnt need a therapist, he just needs someone who cares to talk to. Someone who has his back regardless of the circumstance. and if I look at the statistics of surviving my illness and how things are, I should just quit life now. I do not have any form of communication with anyone regularly, because I always think in regards to text and emails and impersonal stuff ‘is this it?’ cos if it is, I’m not sure ill ever enjoy getting up in the morning again. I only talk to people when I go out or to try to organise seeing people and its why I have so much energy when I see people and never want to leave because, whoever you are, I dont want you to leave cos your the reason I keep going. Cos I know that Ill go back to a place where I cant say how I feel. I cant get a break, I cant enjoy just being alive. The point im making is I’m nothing special, just a guy chasing a dream with too much responsiblities, yet somehow I keep trying. Yet itll go back to people doing nothing, feeling they cant do something….

And it would be so much easier to not care, and not be upset over things ,but life to me just does not seem meaningful without it, Its in my nature to want you to be part of my life physically, not virtually or spiritually, but physically here with me. that’s why it hurts me. But you, whoever you are mean more than you’ll ever know in making difference to me and everyone around you. Are you ok with the fact that nothing seems to change and We just accept mediocre, irrelevant, mundane? cos if you aren’t happy with it, I need your help, now more than ever.

I just hope this means more than words. Cos this is not enough’.

thanks for listening.


Geek Apocalypse is one years old: sharing things is so much better


On march 27th 2013, after several months of working on the site and doing 5 podcasts in february to prepare,  Geek Apocalypse was born and released into the rich emerald mine of knowledge that is the internet. And now we have reached today, march 27th 2014 that it is our one year anniversary! 58 podcasts later, a live event, a live show and a convention later, I cant believe it is only being a year and I have so much to be thankful for.

I’m going to break my rule of being proud of myself, because I have thought about Geek Apocalypse alot. One of the things that often angers me is how easy people think it is to do what i do. to talk for an hour, to organise things and promote other people and run the site, It is a full time job. Anyone that listens to the shows especially early on would know I wasnt sure what i was doing , all I knew was that I wanted to be able to be passionate and interested in not only the topics that come up but guests that i cared about and was interested in. I always feel that way, every single day I get up, and I know its something I’m so pleased I have, but to be proud about the shows is because I feel as I have done them I have gotten better at being comfortable being a geek. Being myself. And nearly everyone  thats been on the show has said to me afterwards ‘that was fun I really enjoyed it’ . So in that sense I have done my job. One of the things I wanted to do was to have a podcast that felt safe, that showcased people in the north east that were talented and fun, and also to reach for people in geekdom who I admire and appreciate. So to be able to achieve that all in the first year is quite unbelievable.

as I said to Jane who is on the show next week, all you need to do to be on the show is to be alive, and be interested. And from my personal perspective being the host, interested in things and people. If you think about it  how easy should that be? be yourself and be interested, ultimately one of the reasons I made the podcast is to convince people that it is ok to talk about things you love and like publicly. There are so many people I met who are waiting for permission, rather than simply breaking down the doors to then think ‘fuck it, if i fail I’ll fail, but ill be myself and do something I generally want to do’. Thats so key to me, there are people who come on the show beforehand that arent sure it is for them, and find themselves saying ‘is that it can we do more?’ The thing is as well, I am no one special, I am just someone who is respectful enough to be genuinely interested and is willing to give people a chance. 

Ofcourse, on a purely basic level I got to meet some people I admired for a long time, I got to meet the whole cast of red dwarf, which was the show that my family watched together and began my love of all things geeky. I got to go to conventions and meet Andrew Hackard whos been on tabetop, and matt leacock who made some of my favourite games, I got to talk to producers, actors, artists, poets, musicians, comedians, entrepeneurs, which shows I do not have a rule in who can be on. As I said on the first blog I wrote about starting Geek Apocalypse, Geek is simply a term of being passionate and interested in whatever you love. Its not what you love its how you love it, and for whatever reason how we love things seems alien to me or half hearted. Look at how impersonal life is becoming, with so many posts over actually speaking to someone over the phone, or going to see someone. For whatever reason we do not feel its important or relevant anymore.

I am proud of what I’ve achieved, but simply I am a person that works hard, I spend more of my day frustrated and angry than feeling I have achieved anything, but I am always grateful for the opportunity to enjoy the things I enjoy, and share it with people i know, and even people I don’t. that’s the beauty of life, thats why its so enjoyable. Sharing is so much better than doing things on your own.

The thing that means so much more to me though, is the fact that I feel in my own small way that I am making a difference. We did a convention that was a huge success and I get families coming up to me telling me stories all the time about how playing games together matters and has brought their family together. I also have opened up about my battles with manic depression and have 100s of people open up to me about how difficult it is and how me telling my story makes them feel like they are not alone. because 99% of the time I feel chronically alone but if I can help the person thats sitting in their bedroom feeling no one cares, then that means so much to me. we all need help, its whether you can find someone thats willing to help you thats the problem. The thing that most upsets me is how nothing feels completely different, people are afraid of telling the truth, and are afraid of doing anything that really matters, so i will keep battling that, we need people, we need you, we need me hopefully and the only way we can do that is realising we need to work harder helping each other. So I hope by me telling the truth makes anyone realise that we can beat this, and you can do what you want to do if you really want it.

so after 100’s of thousands of downloads later, another podcast that we produce, an album recording, a convention, a team of people who have helped me along the way, i have so many people to thank. i wish to thank my good friend graham for building my site and doing all the posters for me, because without him i wouldn’t have a thing to promote, to all the co hosts i have had, Wayne, Robbie, Drew and James and to every single guest who has been willing to give them my time and opportunity to get to know them. I really appreciate it. to  the few friends that have supported me and encouraged me to do this, i love you, keep up the support! This podcast gives me the opportunity to speak to some of the most talented people I know, and if this becomes the only thing I do I will be the happiest man in the world doing something i love as a job. it really is that simple.

And to anyone that has took the time to listen to the shows, or come to the events, or emailed me when they didn’t have to, thank you, it means the world to me, Don’t anyone ever tell you you don’t mean anything and you cant make a difference.

your loving geek

Steven Hesse

p.s Ill be releasing the podcast with shamol begum today as treat being the 1 year anniversary! so please do have a listen when it comes out!





Depression lies part 2: manic depression/ why sharing is everything

I recently put up a new vlog where I talked about my battles with manic depression and how I hope that it would help anyone who feels anything like I do get the help they need and some comfort that that someone also feels like they do. heres the link!

I have been feeling  over the last few weeks very lonely and finding life in general difficult so many ask me why go through the struggle of doing something like this. the honest answer is I want to make a difference, and as I have been saying in twitter conversations there is people in this world that I love that do not understand what i go through and the only way we can get better at this is through being open, so it gives people the chance to understand more and help.

So i hope this helps you, or someone you know, and tell me if it does as some already have and it means the world to me just to tell someone that we do not have to fight this alone anymore, i certainly am sick of it!

your friend