Sometimes you can only try your best…

Its kind of funny sometimes how life works isn’t it? Even when you plan for time off thinking ‘right I’m going to do my best work and be productive and be awesome and the best I can be’ , it isn’t always how its works out.

Because I really am finding life at this moment of time not funny at all, which anyone that knows me knows that I try often to be in situations where I can laugh, ideally with friends or people I love to be around. I also should be happy in that something i.e. my web series that I spent A year and a half working on has finally been recorded and worked on with people I like and respect. I should be happy that I have been hired to run a geek night where I get to teach games and do a live Geek Apocalypse Podcast which I have wanted to do since I started the podcast.  I should be happy that ever single penny of what I have earned has been through hardwork and trying to do things that I want to do. I should be happy…..yet I’m not.

Which is because I am depressed, and depression does not give a fuck what you are doing ,it decides to unpack its bags and settle down right outside your front door. In all honestly, I have spent the last few days feeling so ungrateful and unproductive. I woke up on Sunday having finished recording the web series and I felt….unfulfilled. Now I am sure that your shouting, ‘but the fulfilment is coming Steven!’ and your right, but I expected to feel like I was happy with what I was doing. But in context I was feeling weird the last two weeks and was steadily getting worse to the point where I am crying more than laughing every day. Which is obviously bizarre but something I am used to.

Its a terrible feeling because a lot of the time you feel so self conscious and I am spending my time with people thinking ‘I am so not fun right now’ and to be honest, I am not really very fun at all right now. Now, if I put things into perspective, which is very hard to do while depressed, I could be affected by personal things like, my mam having a cancer scare, and my aunti’s going through a difficult time.  but to be honest, as difficult as those situations are, I feel I have dealt with them pretty well considering how trying it’s been for me, because for me, its easier being strong for others more than for myself as its more difficult for them than me in that situation.

Everytime I feel this way though, the honest truth is, the thing that’s difficult for me more than anything is, is this loneliness I feel 99% of the time. I understand completely that I am not alone in this, but I guess I mean, their is always so much responsibility on my shoulders that a lot of the time i have to be the strong one, so in a sense I cant be the one that cries all the time. Yet, due to my depression I sadly am one of those people who needs to feel loved and appreciated more when I feel that I can’t even look into people eyes due to feeling totally unimportant.I guess I feel that because, I very often see people I know, married or with someone, that will go to the end of the earth for their partner or lover or spouse or family, and I always get hit with the feeling that, I wish someone fought for me, for once, just so I can take a break and feel the love they get to feel every single day. I guess that’s what I mean by feeling lonely. I can not imagine having someone fight for you and listen to you everyday with the view to helping you anyway they can. and just listen, hug you…. just cos you need a hug. I’m not saying one sided cos like I say I have a lot of responsibility and I’m used to giving, but just…saying ‘I’m here for you, whenever you need me cos you matter’. The irony is I can’t afford therapy so i have no real way of talking this through, and a therapist as helpful as they are, are not personally attached.

But the reason why I started this blog by saying, isnt life funny? It never goes the way you want it to all the time, and I’ll keep trying to get over this, because no matter what day it is, sometimes you can only try your best……and as much as I’m going to struggle, I’ll keep trying.


Andrew Neale Podcast online!

We did a fantastic  podcast last week With the greatly talented Andrew Neale! We talk Acting, working with green screen and Andrews brilliant performance group Spark! We also mention Enchanted Parks that Andrew is a part of this year that is on from the 11th till the 14th December. For more info please go to! Really fun podcast!

I first met Andrew earlier in the year where we performed in a music video Time by Denature thats available to see here! Fun times!

Jamjar Cinema Podcast!

jam jar shows

I was told during my regular work about a fantastic community project in Whitely Bay called JamJar Cinema, a 40+ seater cinema in the heart of the town where you can go a watch a variety of pictures for far less than regular cinema prices! (thankgod!) So I went on and I liked what I found! Its a community project where all the money it makes gets reinvested into the cinema! A really noble and good idea! So Me and one of my contributors Wayne had to see it for ourselves! We went on a very rainy Wednesday night to go meet Dan Willis who runs it and to sit and watch Bill and Teds bogus journey. Yes we had to forget the ending, based on the fact that I had seen it like 200 times, but I still found myself enjoying it simply for the nice nostalgia that it brought. Plus, I got to have a rather nice bottle of desperado while watching! 

heres the video blog we recorded while I was at the cinema!

It ‘s a great little indy cinema, the only thing it cant provide is food but when Dan told me why I completely understood how difficult and impractical it is for a small cinema like JamJar. But its a great place, the best compliment I can give it is that If I had a flat and money to spend, it would look similar to jamjars lounge area. I was very impressed especially when Dan on the podcast told me how much he spent on making it work!

If you’d like to hear us talk about jamjar with Dan the latest episode of the Geek Apocalypse podcast is online at or you can find us on itunes! 

Hesse Vlog Episode 2!

We recorded a podcast this week with Jamjar Cinema thats being realised the start of next week, but we also did a Video Blog there in the cimena where Steven talks going to Screencon, his accident two weeks ago and A podcast milestone! Also as usual some Geek Apocalypse news!  Hope you enjoy!

Screencon 2013 pictures/podcast

craig and chris with mark percyLast weekend in particular the 12th October was a brilliantly geeky day. And when I say day..we literally bleed all that we could from the wound that was that saturday! I had to get up at 6.30am! on a saturday!  I kept thinking this is why I do not want to be a milkman. to quote Robin Williams, ‘I was a vampire on a day pass’ That’s how weird my mind works but in a sense, I’m still impressed that I think like a dork at such an early time of day. (picture is with my mate Mark Percy who is hosting and will be on the podcast soon!)

I met my friend Drew at around 9 in Newcastle as luckily he was talking just as much as me about how excited he was to meet the guests and go to the con. Its a shame we never got the chance to record the talk where drew realised that the only Red Dwarf cast member he had not met was Chris Barrie, while the only one I hadn’t met was Craig Charles! we amused ourselves at how much of a geek we were being by saying it was a decades long quest we were completing! (we play Lords of Waterdeep together, and as I say we are geeks, deal with it! Don’t hit me!) So we head on the metro to the park hotel in Tynemouth and on the small walk from the station we spot a Bentley driving past us to which i say to Drew ‘you know, Chris Barrie drives a Bentley you know?’ to which drew spent the next five minutes repeatingly asking ‘Do you reckon that was really him?’.  like I say we were excited!

(funniest image ever! the guy in the middle is like ‘Im not going to get between this!’)

predator versus bunny

The first thing we noticed when we got there was hot packed it was, which made me happy. Anyone reading this in America or London or any major city that has regular cons will be going ‘get over it Steven’ or simply shouting ‘NERD’ but you don’t understand. We never have conventions here and ScreenCon earlier in the year started this interest and now conventions are thinking of coming regularly. I never thought growing up that I would have the courage or even the opportunity to go to something like this! I did feel bad where I went straight to the front of a 200+ people line and went ‘I’m media I’m looking for Dan please?’ I would just like to underline I would of queued! These are my people! But we had interviews to be had and I was sooooo excited!

mr flibble!sparrow and chris

The first thing we did is take a look around and I have to say I think Screencon did a great job with the stalls and organisation. Plenty of things to have a look around! including some great film props that drew and I were worried we would break and go to jail for!

gun photodavid prowse

(Darth Vader signing Darth Vader!)

I am privileged to get the opportunity to talk to the some of the guests at the con. we managed to talk to Pam Rose (star wars,batman,superman) about george lucas, her role in star wars a new hope and working with David Tennant! Paul Gerrard (Battle LA,Wrath of the titans) about being a concept designer, how to promote yourself as an artist and exclusive talk about future projects Teenage mutant ninja turtles and Hellraiser. Ian Whyte (AVP,Harry Potter,Game of thrones, prometheus) talks to us about being the predator in AVP,Harry Potter,his career in basketball, working with Ridley Scott and upcoming projects Hercules with the rock and the bbc soap doctors! We then talk to Caroline munro (jamesbond, dracula) about the spy who loved me,british horror, horror studios recent comeback, and advice for young actresses! And if thats not all, we talk to Chris Barrie (red dwarf, tomb raider, brittas empire) about Red Dwarf Dimension Jump Convention, an exclusive response about the new series and All things red dwarf, with Chris doing a very special ending to the podcast!! now breathe!

you can find the podcast here or on itunes! 

Heres some photos of me doing the interview with a special thanks to Drew for helping with the podcast and the event itself. After the event we went to Newcastle Gamers to play board games till three in the morning! So bit of a long day. Also I was still recovering from fractured ribs! Your welcome!


me and rimmer

me and Chris Barrie, such an awesome guy!




Paul Gerrard


Me and Paul gerrard who is doing a full podcst in future!


ian whyte and me


Me and former eagle! Ian Whyte! man he is tall!


pam rose and the stormtrooper running away


‘my favourite photo, ‘we see you stormtrooper! Protect the princess!’

craig and chrisbatman cosplay


caroline steven


Me and the Beautiful Caroline Munro! 



simon bamford steven


the lost interview but simon is on the podcast in two weeks! The next podcast we are releasing is with James cook about his sci fi project Cassini II which sounds amazing and is well worth a listen! We are also recording a video blog Tomorrow so please checkout our youtube channel and subscribe!


Misery is more certain than happiness.(fucking boring though.)

I realise as I watch things recovering from my accident last week that I really need the connection of people. I have not seen any friends in a week and it made me realise how important it is to have some sort of social network to be able to talk to. I don’t mean the, lets like a post or comment on things and tweet how adorable the cats being, I mean genuine real human interaction.

I’ve been watching, reading an awful lot about the human mind, how complex it is and how little we know. And it got me thinking about how we actually think and process everyday life. What fascinates me is the idea of risk, alot of people I know are terrified of risk because they can not predict the outcome. To me thats missing the point? surely not knowing is the best part about trying to get to know someone or trying to do something you really care about. Also we takes risks everyday, saying hello to a complete stranger is a social risk, crossing the road everyday is a risk, leaving a secure job for something better is a risk, but without risk as far as I can see there is very little reward. Or rather their is very little to be personally satisfied about.

This leads me to think about misery. I see so many people being self defeating about life. It wont work out, or I’m not worth anything or I won’t be able to do what I want to. I listened to a Larry king interview where he said  ‘learning is so fascinating;so saying this is it and that’s the way it is is self defeating! saying i wont like this.have you tried?’ This to me somes it up brilliantly. If you don’t try how will you know? If you don’t take risk how will you ever fail? if you don’t fail how will you make mistakes? if you dont make mistakes how will you ever learn from them?

this lead me to think about misery, if you don’t take risk, misery is all you’ve got left, Because you can easily make yourself miserable by stop trying, by stop caring, by stopping completely. its the only thing you can be certain of ‘tommorrow im going to be miserable and sit all day and do nothing’. you can do that everyday and justify it by saying you need it really easily. But what will you achieve? and thats why risk is so important, without risk, you arent able to be completely happy, to connect with someone the way you really want to. Thats why arguing, saying what you feel, being honest, is far more important than the certainty of misery. 

how about ‘today I’m going to try do something about it one bit at a time?’

fuck you misery, I’m trying for happiness.