you can have fun 2moro, I need you today

Ive always thought this and wondered if I will ever meet anyone who understands where I come across with this. But I find this topic fascinating and overwhelmingly dissapointing at the same time. Is what constitutes needing someone? And when does that line get crossed?

I always find it difficult to express this, but I firmly believe that the principle is right, and we as human beings maybe need to recognise it. What i am referring to is, at what point does someone need to reach where one can understand that the situation needs drastic, and emergency action and that they need someone to be there. Its abit like this weekend, where I have been trying to get medication for my depression and find that the nhs cant help me unless my life is at risk? does that mean to suggest im not worth caring about unless I am suicidal? does that mean the fact that I hurt and struggle and feel lonely everyday that I am struggling to survive-is that not an emergency? just because I am not actively trying to end my life, doesnt mean I dont often wish it to end  with what i am going through. is that not worth helping? do i just deal with it? because the mere fact im asking for help, is I cant.

And this concept of being there for someone is interesting, because it is very often given to the person helping to decide what help the person needing it gets. And I very often think, when for example one says, well Im needing to sit with my family and they might need me, that I think, but in this criteria, when someone you say you love and support, needs you to be there and asks you to help, who is the one most in danger? who is the one that isnt safe? because ok your family might need you 2moro, but the one that needs you needs you now. not 2moro, not next week, now. and what if something happens and you weren’t there, if I was playing devils advocate? the first thing most people say in that sense is, I wish i was there. why cant you be? or more likely why werent you?

because under that criteria, anyone outside a circle theyve created that needs help, is overruled by someone who right now, this second, doesnt need any help at all and is safe, so all your energy your putting in someone that doesnt need it.   And that then means the only thing stopping them is that it must mean they must not love the needy person enough or care enough to leave their own safe zone. is that not a fair thing to think? but if you do need someone, its because you have no safe zone, and you are trying to find one by going to someone who makes the situation safer and better and you trust and most likely love. Which if you believe in the principle of loving and caring, is the right thing to do. arent we meant to ask for help? aren’t we meant to break down and need picking up?

Or another way of looking at it, is people then look at you and say you have to get through this yourself? but what if you have tried everything? what if you tried everything you can to be better? and ok , I might be alive 2moro, but I’m dying today, so is that ok to know and do nothing about?? and under that purpose we would never need anyone in our life. because under that basis, we need to be strong enough that we can never ask someone to be there or be needed? whoever thinks that is being unrealistic, and in essence lying. is it better to be fake?

I ask you this as an aside, how do we make relationships meaningful? isnt it through being there through whatever it may be?

Having helped people and gotten help like this, the best most effective form of help ive seen and gave, is rapid and quick and reactionary and instant, and if you think about it, If I said to you that I was hurting, I was Struggling, I was unsure, afraid and needed you, and i loved you, and you know I did, what would you want me to do if that was you? you’d want me to come and you’d want me to be there, right that second. And I dont see how people dont see that, if you help with that amount of power by going round, being there, consoling,as it happens, when its happening, it would take less time to help them in the future, and they would most likely get better quicker. So even if you think ill help them alittle bit at a time when I can, its nowhere near as effective, as meaningful, as helpful, and a better connection to a human being than helping with the problem now. And it doesnt treat them asking you that they need you as seriously as it should be.

If i ever had a family, and this is the crucial bit, and my best friend said to me, Steven, I am struggling today, and I could really do with your help, so i need you be here and then i decided to stay in cos my wife might need me, then Ive married the wrong person, cos she would know i value everyone I love with the same understanding and know how serious i would treat that. so if there wasnt a crisis in my house, i would know that I would be needed in a crisis that is real right now outside of it, and all they would need to do is ask me and tell me, and I can make the most difference by going now not 2moro. Cos they might not need me 2moro, but if we aren’t there for each other at the most crucial of times, whats the point in being friends, whats the point in relationships. whats the point in being needed?

I can understand as well the premise some people have of rather having just people in there lives who are always happy, and keep their problems to themselves, but would life ultimately mean as much if you arent there for the bad stuff as well? think about the best thing youve ever done for someone, it would most likely be when you were there for someone because WE DONT NEED SOMEONE ALL THE TIME. yet when anyone does need someone, its suddenly so difficult to do, which is why it means something, the hardest things in life are worth doing the most, and we can have  million great time, good times, fun times, but to get truely close to someone, you need to be there for the bad. and when it happens, because this isnt said enough, but helping someone is never convenient, but neither is the pain that person goes through. that doesnt make it a reason.

i guess we are growing up in a world, where the easier option or the more instant gratification is better. ive never been more disappointed in humans. i thought we could be better at this. but maybe, I wont be loved enough for this to happen. who knows?

because you can always have fun 2moro, but i need you today, and not soon, or later, now.

 

 

 

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Id like this to be more speech

It may surprise people to know that I am very often disappointed with the way things are, and supposedly how everything is meant to work. I very often look at the way society is and how it manipulates how we feel and what we can and cant do, and I cant help but feel disappointed. If you feel that something makes you feel like a million dollars, then why do you not do it more often? And if you look at our excuses…what are they? I’m busy with other things, i need to see other people, what will other people think if i did? And i often look at the bigger picture of, what did i do with my life if I reach my death bed and get to look back? well I spent all my energy on people that i hope one day will change and turn out they didn’t? or did i spend what time and energy I had on this earth with people who respect me, love me and want me to be the best version of me possible, through the good and bad.

you see, i think we spend our time searching for something in our life, without exploring what we have already more.All I know that I want to connect, i want to grow, I want to explore, and I want to share what I have with the people i respect and love, and I dont want to wait anymore.

So i guess what im saying is, id like this to be more, by doing more.

birthday special! Geek Apocalypse behind the scenes!

scott and guys

from left to right Me,Scott and Phill, Graham was hiding as he dies instantly if I photo gets taken of him!

I turned 26 on the 12th of November, and usually when you have a birthday thats something in your 20’s, you go ‘well another year’. I mean, when your a teenager, you only care about how many present you get, to the point where you go ‘the fuckers only got me 80 presents as opposed to 81 last year’ and start devising how you kill your parents, with a the biggest fork you can find or something just as ridiculous. maybe death by evil stare?

the reason I say this is, to bring this to my recent birthday, it had me reflecting far more than I ever have. The honest thing is, I really am finding myself going, ‘fuck I’m not even close to being married by the time I’m 30 as I’m not even seeing anyone and I’m another year closer to that’ which made me realise that turning 26 has turned me into thinking like a moody 16 year old girl. But as some will say, what else is new. But seriously, you kinda do take stock and realise what it is that you have or haven’t done, and what you’d like to accomplish as you get older or what you’d like to be thinking the next birthday you have. Ofcourse, there’s things I want to do I haven’t, I am scarily and outrageously ambitious, so I am always working on something in order to reach something I want to do, but I was hit with several positive feelings (which is unlike me) . Every penny of money that I have earned since university has been through hard work and making myself viable enough to be paid for doing something I like. and although i freely admit I’ve not earned a huge amount , I’ve gotten by for less hours than if I was working for shit money on a full time schedule in a job I would hate. I’m proud of that and feel I should be cos I always give myself a hard time thinking what I am doing is worthwhile.

To give you an example of this, I entered university with prospects and by the time I left the world was in an economic depression. It wasnt cos I was back in the world, which is depressing enough, but I suddenly,along with millions of others, got hit with the realisation that we no longer had as many if any options after leaving higher education. I tried getting into BBC, which took time as its a long process, and ended up nearly getting it, but ultimately was entering an industry that started already being hard to get into, that was now even harder. Most likely if you had a job now, you’ll be keeping it as they is nowhere to go as everyone else is quite rightly doing exactly the same thing in feeling lucky just being where they are. so if your trying to get on the ladder, you begin to realise that the ladder is full, or has moved somewhere else onto an entirely different estate.

So my solution was to make my own fortunes. I created and ran a radio station for the YMCA which lead to being paid for teaching radio and getting the opportunity to become a youth worker as a biproduct of that. Baring in mind I worked for free for months, running 10 shows a week, including my own, and looking at trying to get grant money in order to continue to do what we wanted, I learned ultimately something I use everyday in running this project. So when I say everything I’ve earned is through hard work, it is literally true, also it is true when I say that I created a job for myself. The reality of the situation though is I, like many others of my generation, have no other choice in the matter. But it gives the opportunity to be able to try and do something that interests and appeals, and thats what Geek Apocalypse is, and why it means a lot to me.

The birthday special reveals an interesting behind the scenes aspect of it, as in the people who everyday help me in maintaining the idea and are willing to help me out for the trade off of simply being best friends. Some of which I have known 15-20 years. Graham is a great website designer and designed the yradio and Geek Apocalypse site to what I asked it to be, Phill has helped us with the more technical wordpress problems we have faced, and scott designed the logo and youtube intro. So in their own unique ways they have supported me throughout the whole project, even when it was just a tiny spec of an idea around a year or so ago. So I owe them hugely for that and that why this podcast will be uniquely…erm unique!

so what will I want to be saying next birthday? I suppose That I kept telling the truth, and I kept doing things that I really care about, which in a weird sense, is a pretty simple idea and yet is hard to achieve. Bloody fun though!

You can find the birthday special, and other shows we’ve done by going to http://www.geekapocalypse.com/shows or on itunes by typing in Geek Apocalypse!

being a geek=being yourself

I watched a interview recently with fellow Geek Wil Wheaton today where he talked about the great film Stand by me  and I felt a strong sense of emotion. In the first few minutes he said such a simply profound thing of that if your a geek chances are your a very insecure person. To be totally frank, it affected me because he is absolutely right. And I wanted to say why here for whatever reason and find other ways to bore you I haven’t previously explored.

Well firstly, it pretty much underlines that I am insecure, and I do not pretend otherwise. But What I think is key in saying that is that I am very much insecure because I am aware of the mortality that I face as a human being. I think that conveys what geeks are like, because of their curiousity and intrigue, you know the bad facts in life as well as the good ones. To give you an example of what I’ve done today other than work, watched family guy episodes including the star wars triology, read three books Nerdist way and long way down and a book on titanic, watched two Neil Degrass Tyson lectures on physics, listened to two albums and two episodes of the nerdist podcast, watched two episodes of bill Maher’s including one comedy special and played two hours of dragon age RPG as well as played two video games and played guitar. My brain still does not feel nourished.  The feeling to me is that it never will, because geeks always want to learn.

And that in a nutshell l is really why we are all geeks. We even in a basic sense learn something everyday, are interested in something beyond someone you knows understanding and whether we like it or not, we re in some way or another insecure about something. The difference is Geek’s admit it because the truth is far more important and bearable that living a lie.

Its one of the few things that keeps me going, learning and being curious, and just like me being a geek, that will never change…….I’m proud of that.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Those who do not weep, do not see.

I find the world fascinating, so much so that if you left me without the pressures of modern society and left me the opportunity to observe the world and travel to the corners of the earth, then I feel like I may eventually hit the dreaded word we crave called content..

I’ve been having so many emotions hit me in the last week, some personal stuff I’ve had to deal with that makes me wonder a lot of things. Should I be as open as I am, should I be as open minded as I feel and should I strive to seek the truth no matter what the truth may be. Everything I ever do is honest, anyone that looks at Geek Apocalypse whether its the podcast or this blog or knows me well enough, I hope that they would say that no matter what mistakes I make that at least I make them. I really try to do the right thing, and through various things like not being intelligent enough about whatever it is or not understanding certain things, I try to the best of my ability to think of others just like I would like to be treated.

I’d like to think that I have the right amount of confidence, I know through quite a long bout of suffering that I believe the things I believe and I know who I am. Yet when I feel like I am being taking advantage of like recently I wonder if being as open or as honest as I am is worth it. Being open leaves you totally vulnerable to that happening and can leave you feeling embarrassed and the most destructive feeling for me: disappointed.

so if I tell you what I did today is cried and wished I wasn’t open at all, I would be telling you that sometimes it does not go the way you wanted to. Also it leads to the interesting question, is it good to cry? It always amuses me that people say crying is showing that your soft. I always find myself going ‘Steven stop crying’ when i start, as if its for some reason not allowed to be sad about something or to be moved by a piece of art. Whenever I think I’m disgracing the male gender by crying I always think of the brilliant dickens quote:

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 

So I question today whether being open and honest is the best thing to be. Then I go see my friends, we laugh, we joke, we be as open and as honest as you like and I realise, the best relationships and friendships need that in order to flourish and succeed. You cant get the bad without the good, and without being open, you cant get the best, which is all I want.

I shouldnt apologise for being open and I ask you to join me, whatever the conversation takes us.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Socal media/texting gives us too much of an easy choice

Its funny if you look back at the inventions of what made things we use today great in regards to the internet. They always end up not being as good in my opinion as they once were. Or they lose their original purpose and become a kind of mesh of random not as good as if you looked elsewhere type thing.

Look at Facebook for example. What was once invented for Harvard students to share photos and comment online has become a messenger,advertising,company driven, celebrity taking, gaming network that all not as good if you went looking for one of them features individually. The key reason it works to me in popularity is that it gives the impression that you have everything you could need: browse what your friends are up to and share photos easily and talk to anyone that is on your friends list. Sounds great doesn’t it?

Problem is that its a bit like reality TV, trying to imply something happening when nothing is.The thing is the more that people I know combined with the bigger that Facebook gets the more I think its becoming incredibly destructive for a number of reasons. It makes things far too easy because you most likely already know what they have been up to because of their posts on their Facebook profile. recently family members brought some holiday photos round and members of my family said, ‘don’t need to see it cos I seen them on Facebook’ and I thought ‘we are losing the ability to personally and privately share and be grateful of people making an effort’. They went out of their way to print photos to show us and we threw it back in their face and the thing is, this is the way you know someone cares and how you actually connect with people  on a personal level. That connection is lost fleetingly and not seriously because its a small post in the large amount of posts you see on an average day.

As I said earlier, You know already most likely what the person has been doing by the post or photos they do, so when you next see them as they discuss what it was they were doing  your most likely to say ‘oh yeah I seen it on face book’. We are losing essentially small talk, but the  thing is, some people who I hold dear are deciding not to share things not because they don’t want to but because they think everyone they know has seen it already and don’t want to repeat themselves. That worries me in regards to having meaningful relationships and friendships that it makes it hard to actually regularly connect with people in a natural spontaneous way. Look at how people end up liking each other, usually its something you are never expecting and want to explore. It’s abit like a dating profile, you already know what you don’t like about someone or don’t before you have even met them. Yet, anyone who I’ve seen who are with someone know chances are they will be something that will annoy you, it implies and encourages a perfection that just isn’t realistic in finding.  because by our very definition we are human beings that makes mistakes and it just is not truthful.

The other thing that really disturbs me is texting, because again it was meant to be used as a quick way of communication and yet people try and talk to me about serious stuff when it literally doesn’t fit the technology. I say to everyone all the time, the problem with texting and any written communication is that it is your interpretation in reading it, which can easily not be the way that the persons means in what they are saying. At least in a phone call you can hear the way they are saying things and make a more informed decision. It should only be an option though if you can not go round and see them directly. If you really respect and like someone, they deserve to be told to their face, regardless of what it is that you are telling them.

Also, being a liberal in that people should say what they want, it still shocks me that people use facebook or social media as a way to personally attack someone. IF they are important to you and have upset you, tell them and deal with it properly, and if they aren’t worth bothering about, then why spend time telling everyone else you kinda know or not know what you think about it. It doesn’t make sense, but people in an open society feel the need to declare themselves, yet how they do it is self defeating.

The thing that really concerns me, is that we are building a generation of cowards, that would rather do the easy way than the right way. If your doing that every day then its going to seep into other parts of your life, and that’s not the right way to grow. the truth is what’s important and we need to get back to that. Would you rather be known as brave and honest, or a coward and a liar?

Always use things in moderation, and I hope we don’t lose the beauty of getting to know someone.