Those who do not weep, do not see.

I find the world fascinating, so much so that if you left me without the pressures of modern society and left me the opportunity to observe the world and travel to the corners of the earth, then I feel like I may eventually hit the dreaded word we crave called content..

I’ve been having so many emotions hit me in the last week, some personal stuff I’ve had to deal with that makes me wonder a lot of things. Should I be as open as I am, should I be as open minded as I feel and should I strive to seek the truth no matter what the truth may be. Everything I ever do is honest, anyone that looks at Geek Apocalypse whether its the podcast or this blog or knows me well enough, I hope that they would say that no matter what mistakes I make that at least I make them. I really try to do the right thing, and through various things like not being intelligent enough about whatever it is or not understanding certain things, I try to the best of my ability to think of others just like I would like to be treated.

I’d like to think that I have the right amount of confidence, I know through quite a long bout of suffering that I believe the things I believe and I know who I am. Yet when I feel like I am being taking advantage of like recently I wonder if being as open or as honest as I am is worth it. Being open leaves you totally vulnerable to that happening and can leave you feeling embarrassed and the most destructive feeling for me: disappointed.

so if I tell you what I did today is cried and wished I wasn’t open at all, I would be telling you that sometimes it does not go the way you wanted to. Also it leads to the interesting question, is it good to cry? It always amuses me that people say crying is showing that your soft. I always find myself going ‘Steven stop crying’ when i start, as if its for some reason not allowed to be sad about something or to be moved by a piece of art. Whenever I think I’m disgracing the male gender by crying I always think of the brilliant dickens quote:

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 

So I question today whether being open and honest is the best thing to be. Then I go see my friends, we laugh, we joke, we be as open and as honest as you like and I realise, the best relationships and friendships need that in order to flourish and succeed. You cant get the bad without the good, and without being open, you cant get the best, which is all I want.

I shouldnt apologise for being open and I ask you to join me, whatever the conversation takes us.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

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Socal media/texting gives us too much of an easy choice

Its funny if you look back at the inventions of what made things we use today great in regards to the internet. They always end up not being as good in my opinion as they once were. Or they lose their original purpose and become a kind of mesh of random not as good as if you looked elsewhere type thing.

Look at Facebook for example. What was once invented for Harvard students to share photos and comment online has become a messenger,advertising,company driven, celebrity taking, gaming network that all not as good if you went looking for one of them features individually. The key reason it works to me in popularity is that it gives the impression that you have everything you could need: browse what your friends are up to and share photos easily and talk to anyone that is on your friends list. Sounds great doesn’t it?

Problem is that its a bit like reality TV, trying to imply something happening when nothing is.The thing is the more that people I know combined with the bigger that Facebook gets the more I think its becoming incredibly destructive for a number of reasons. It makes things far too easy because you most likely already know what they have been up to because of their posts on their Facebook profile. recently family members brought some holiday photos round and members of my family said, ‘don’t need to see it cos I seen them on Facebook’ and I thought ‘we are losing the ability to personally and privately share and be grateful of people making an effort’. They went out of their way to print photos to show us and we threw it back in their face and the thing is, this is the way you know someone cares and how you actually connect with people  on a personal level. That connection is lost fleetingly and not seriously because its a small post in the large amount of posts you see on an average day.

As I said earlier, You know already most likely what the person has been doing by the post or photos they do, so when you next see them as they discuss what it was they were doing  your most likely to say ‘oh yeah I seen it on face book’. We are losing essentially small talk, but the  thing is, some people who I hold dear are deciding not to share things not because they don’t want to but because they think everyone they know has seen it already and don’t want to repeat themselves. That worries me in regards to having meaningful relationships and friendships that it makes it hard to actually regularly connect with people in a natural spontaneous way. Look at how people end up liking each other, usually its something you are never expecting and want to explore. It’s abit like a dating profile, you already know what you don’t like about someone or don’t before you have even met them. Yet, anyone who I’ve seen who are with someone know chances are they will be something that will annoy you, it implies and encourages a perfection that just isn’t realistic in finding.  because by our very definition we are human beings that makes mistakes and it just is not truthful.

The other thing that really disturbs me is texting, because again it was meant to be used as a quick way of communication and yet people try and talk to me about serious stuff when it literally doesn’t fit the technology. I say to everyone all the time, the problem with texting and any written communication is that it is your interpretation in reading it, which can easily not be the way that the persons means in what they are saying. At least in a phone call you can hear the way they are saying things and make a more informed decision. It should only be an option though if you can not go round and see them directly. If you really respect and like someone, they deserve to be told to their face, regardless of what it is that you are telling them.

Also, being a liberal in that people should say what they want, it still shocks me that people use facebook or social media as a way to personally attack someone. IF they are important to you and have upset you, tell them and deal with it properly, and if they aren’t worth bothering about, then why spend time telling everyone else you kinda know or not know what you think about it. It doesn’t make sense, but people in an open society feel the need to declare themselves, yet how they do it is self defeating.

The thing that really concerns me, is that we are building a generation of cowards, that would rather do the easy way than the right way. If your doing that every day then its going to seep into other parts of your life, and that’s not the right way to grow. the truth is what’s important and we need to get back to that. Would you rather be known as brave and honest, or a coward and a liar?

Always use things in moderation, and I hope we don’t lose the beauty of getting to know someone.

Confidence and Paranoia-Depression lies

I’ve had this in my drafts folder of my blog for an awfully long time, but I’ve been touched by a recent friend of mine that is going through a lot that I feel this is the time to share this.I don’t share this to put the emphasise on me or to expect sympathy or pity in this regard, I share this because a friend in need thinks they are alone and thinks there is no hope, so I hope by me sharing my experiences and putting my struggles out there encourages people who feel the same way to seek help or find a way to talk to someone about it. Because believe me when I say that this is hard and difficult to say, but If it ultimately helps someone then It is worth doing and I hope that it does with someone. And trust me when I say I should of said this way earlier than now because sharing ultimately is for the better, no mater how hard the subject is.

Its worth pointing out that I am not a doctor, I am just speaking from my own experiences and trying my best to describe the feelings that I experienced at the time that I felt them. Because the most difficult line that everyone has difficulty saying or hearing is….I am depressed. I am a depressed person. Because the first reaction usually is that if your the depressed person, you think your life is over, or you don’t know what it really means or even worse you are not even aware you have it.  Also, what do you do if your the one being told by the depressed person? you’ll most likely feel helpless to help, and sometimes don’t know how to help someone in that condition because you too don’t feel capable.

To me that is a crucial and important point. I am often hearing people say ‘I don’t understand’ or ‘I do not feel capable’ and it makes me concerned that the solution to certain people with depression is ‘it will pass’ or ‘lets do nothing about it’ which is not a solution at all -to anything never mind depression. If you are a depressed person you can do something about it but it is having the knowledge to help yourself in the right way and the best way. For Example, if your want time to yourself when your sad, that is perfectly normal, but if all you are doing is spending time alone,feeling lost, insecure and unsociable for a longer period of time there is most likely something more going on than anyone is aware of. If you are aware of that, you need to know that you need to make the brave step of telling someone, and most likely getting help by visiting your doctor. Because you are worth something, you are interesting and worth getting to know, you are being told by your poorly brain lies and it needs help getting better. Unfortunately, as I will explain in my experience, a persons first instinct when depressed is to hide, because they are ashamed and embarrassed of what people will think of them. Hopefully anyone reading this that does think they know someone depressed recognises this and tries to help them, because you can help a depressed person, by simply letting them know that you are there as they will need you at some point. The key is it is not their fault and they will get better with help as you will now read through my experience.

All I can say with complete confidence is that I am a depressed person. It was only when I started getting therapy sessions that I realised how depressed I am, and will be for the rest of my life. My first recollection during these sessions was going back to seeing myself growing up feeling utter rage and energy that was very difficult to handle. It would start in my gut and build and build and build until I tried anything that I could to let it loose and try and get under control without anyone noticing. What I was also aware of is how fast my mind works or how slow the world around me felt and feels still to this day. Everything around me just seemed so unbelievably slow and whenever I would listen I’d be around 5 thoughts ahead of my own thoughts. To give an example, Id say ‘how are you?’ Then id be thinking ‘I’m good, well not really but best be polite, wow they look nice, better than me, oh god I hate this, I want this to end they hate me’ by the time they said ‘I’m good thanks’. And I was finding it completely unbearable to control. And I would say this was from around 8 years old, with the odd memory before that feeling the same way.

One of the worst times I ever felt this way was the time I finally got diagnosed with my condition. I was getting angrier and more irritable, and my brain kept telling me that life is just a total disappointment. I got some sort of release by writing songs, I have written something like 3000 songs since I was about 14 and I put about 200 of them on my wall as each individual incident and memory to look at. But that stopped working after a while, because as it gets worse and worse you cant find the words to say what your suffering any more. And to be totally honest, I stopped hanging out with my entire social circle because of that. It wasn’t because they didn’t care, I just took myself out of every possibility that someone would find out about my horrible secret. The hardest bit to talk about is that I spent every single day and every single second wanting to die. I cant say it any other way to make it any clearer or as poignant. I had a plan that I thought out every Inch and detail on how I would do it. Nothing was interesting, I stopped looking after myself more than usual and I stopped being productive. I just did not think that anyone would understand what I was going through and It was never I can honestly say a cry for help. Because I hadn’t told anyone. The first help I got was a total accident. I sat in a history lesson ( I remember every detail) and I resented everything that moved. And something that had never happened throughout my struggles was that I cried. Uncontrollably. I asked to be excused and never went back. Was is hard to admit but true is that I really did this next bit because I was so embarrassed that I went to my form tutor upstairs to tell her something, anything to get out of school. To her credit, She knew that I was trying desperately to not reveal anything and just exploded with fear and crying my eyes out that she took me straight to get an emergency appointment. Now what I am ashamed to say is that I even considered not going in to the appointment. But I still treated it half heartedly cos I kept thinking ‘doesn’t matter because I can go home and will myself to take my own life’. As difficult as it is to say it is the truth. The GP gave me some medication and I got some sort of release for a limited time. But I was getting very little support and very little help because I wasn’t telling people the truth or giving people the opportunity to help me. But as the title of this blog says, depression lies , tells you things that does not speak the truth but its all you ever hear and it wont let you have a seconds rest telling you your shit, worthless, and no one cares and you shouldnt try with anyone or anything anymore. But its not the truth, and you can beat it. The hard part is admitting that you need help. The rest will come I promise you.

My second confession is my worst episode in my life. I started getting worse, What people don’t know is that I got special consideration to go to university because my work was suffering. The last thing I wanted to was to pick up a pen other than writing that dreaded word ‘depressing’ songs over and over again. The same thing happened at university at first year, in that my work and life suffered and I started drinking and smoking. I was trying so hard to stop thinking the way I felt, lonely, tired, bored, uninterested and uninteresting to others. I was trying to find a way to not live. Luckily I had a bunch of friends who saw this when I got heavy handed with drink, rage and strange behavior and had a full blown manic episode. I was crying in my kitchen and scared to look at anything and to be brutal I was beginning to self harm. They called the police and the ambulance without my knowledge and I walked out, they wrestled me to the ground and took me straight to hospital. I honestly don’t remember what I thought other than I felt betrayed by my friends (horrible to think I know) but I definitely felt like I had an outer body experience which was later one of a series of manic episodes I had had throughout my life. Its worth noting that these friends don’t speak to me anymore, I wasn’t a nice person throughout this, and I can understand them for choosing that path of not forgiving me,but the fact remains, without their intervention I wouldn’t be here telling my story. What I will say Is its really hard to be grateful and put things in perspective because I was not all there. I refuse to use that as an excuse, its simply the truth that I do not remember a great deal of what I was doing and I felt totally out of control and I apologised after I recovered, thats the least I can do.

The strangest feeling about the whole thing was I remember not caring even when I was escorted into the hospital which I found to be a psychiatric ward and I sat in a room that resembled an interrogation room from a CSI type show. I waited what seemed like days and two guys with white coats came and I found myself saying everything, honestly and as accurately as I could. And the first thing they said was it was amazing how much I recognised what I was going through, which confused me and my response I think gave them all the data that they needed,-‘but I’ve been struggling with this for years’. As they left, the most important moment happened. I looked around my surroundings and I pretended to be in a cop show, which sounds dumb, but what was so crucial was I laughed, and I really meant it. I’d got my sense of humour back and honestly, something as simple as that lasted me the recovery period, I somehow knew the war was beginning to end. I was immediately put with the crisis team who basically look after you for the first amount of weeks essentially they are suicide watch and I began seeing a doctor everyday to be treated. He put me on such strong medication that It knocked me out at night and then they went about getting a therapist to see me who is my therapist to this day. During these sessions and through specialist doctors they diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder, and it was like the puzzle of my life had finally been solved. I wasnt weird, I have an overactive brain, im poorly and I need help. I will need help forever, but I learnt to accept it.

So what now? I currently don’t take any medication and Im pleased to say I have better days than I do bad days, my bad days usually come In clusters where for about a week I really struggle to be motivated to do anything. But I do have extremes of moods that really are difficult to manage, but It really is a case for me now to say I know what this is and try to manage each episode as it comes. Anyone thats seen stephen fry’s documentary will know that I do get the other side, massive europhia moments where I am literally on cloud nine. Unfortunately they come so sparingly that its hard to wait for. But just like in the documentary, I too wouldn’t press the button to stop being bipolar if I had the choice. Because the high moments are moments you wish you could give anyone, and are better than any drug.

I believe in telling the truth, cos lies just like what depression tells us does not help anyone, so truthfully I struggle and its a battle I may not win and that’s something I know since I first got told. A high percentage of bipolar sufferers unfortunately do commit suicide and I hope that I do not take that road. But truthfully, as of today like most days, I thought about how convenient it would be if a car accidentally hit me. Death would be fine. Luckily I feel better just in writing about this, writing for me is a therapy no question and in most cases can calm me down a notch. The reason I say that is I am here, I am beating the statistics, so if you have any form of mental health, you can beat it with the right help.

But there is help out there, practical help. I know if I need to go to my therapist I will go there and I will talk to her about things. Or if I need medication I will consider going back on them, I realise sometimes I need that help to get there and I have no issues going on them if it all gets too much. They saved my life more than once so I know it will help. The thing that I wish would help with depression, is that there is such a stigma and lack of understanding involved, and all the proof that I need to show is this lack of knowledge nearly killed me, cos I had no idea what I was going through. The problem is in a general sense that far too many people misunderstand what depression is. Maybe they should change the name of it because it is often associated with the natural process of feeling down. But if you have lost your job, accidentally set your house on fire, are annoyed at your partner for a legit reason, then you naturally will feel down and upset. Depression is when it is unnatural, when you have the perfect relationship and just got a pay rise and still feel like jumping off the nearest bridge. Obviously the spectrum is fairly wide, but unfortunately, it is far easier and cheaper to give people medication then do therapy and get to the root of the problem. Like I said at the beginning I am not a doctor, and its really difficult to diagnose, but if we all know more, by having being more informed we can make a better judgement surely?

Its a bit like seeing someone with a broken leg, if they are struggling, if your a good person you’d hold a door open for them. just because depression or mental health is internal, just because its our brain that’s broken, why should it be any different?

And as I said earlier, if you think someone is in danger, or feels anything like I have said, please do something about it, they will thank you for it if they are one of the lucky ones that get better. I hear far too many people say to others ‘you will never understand’ and that worries me, because I’m one that does know a bit about it, and I hope even in small way, I’ve helped by reaching out and telling my story, It has really been difficult for me to, but I hope it is worth it and helps someone realise they are not alone and you can cope with your condition. People have said to me this is brave, but this is not brave, being brave is being open and honest to say ‘I need help’. It gets easier from then on in , believe me. I hope you take the leap.

Because I noticed recently, its been 8 years since I got diagnosed this month, and I really am grateful to be here, cos I shouldn’t be.

Depression lies, so lets be honest and tell the truth…because it ultimately is for the better of everyone.

Your friend

Steven Hesse

The beauty of gaming: a life of a gamer

I really like this particular blog, so I wanted to repost this, because if I can in anyway show how great games are then i consider this an achievement unlocked, I’m off to play team fortress!

land of the geeks

gaming

It’s funny, I have been a gamer for most of my life, and it was only on a recent podcast I did with the lovely Viv Wiggins that I started reminiscing about my life as a gamer.  Even after the podcast, Viv and I talked about the value of games, and I became to realise the value and thread it has had in my life that I’ve never really realised until now.

I suppose I just never looked at it in reference to my experience playing games, but I am always interested and engaged in seeing how people use games or even value games at face value. When I worked in a local school the other day for example my colleague was trying to get the kids to play the monopoly app and it bored them senseless. Now, on face value, you can say that was unsuccessful and that games…

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ignorance is a powerful enemy

ignorantIsn’t it such a shame that we live in a world where there are so many people that think they are in the right to say what they want, do what they like, without any consequences? without thinking twice about what they are doing? I write this on a day where after watching the football derby between Newcastle United and Sunderland, that not only that we(Newcastle) lost but that the match has been completely forgotten by uncaring, couldn’t give a fuck about football barely human beings who choose to attack Sunderland fans after the game.

Now I’m sure that there is another angle about the story that the news has probably overlooked, and I’m sure those involved will try and blame it by the usual 10 year old excuse of ‘well he/she/they started it) frankly, I couldn’t care less, because that is fundamentally not what the problem is. The problem is the sheer ignorance and malcontent of this whole situation that really makes me question the world we live in. The sheer fact that someone wishes to harm someone else over losing a football match I find unbelievable. The reason being? It has absolutely nothing to do with football. Many hooligans use this as an excuse to fight knowing fully we’ll that most often than not it’s harder to get caught or arrested when there’s hundreds of you as opposed to two drunken idiots on a random night out fighting over ‘looking at my girlfriend funny’. If this was a game where 50,000 people were watching two penguins trying to mate, there would still be these people using this as an excuse by saying, ‘I wanted the one with the bigger flippers to win, I’m gonna punch you in the face!’

I say that knowing the serious of the situation, but I say this as a Newcastle fan, yes I was gutted and pissed off by the way we played, but at no point did I think the Sunderland fans were to blame and that violence was the answer to my disappointment. you know why? because Its just a game, yes it matters to people and it always will, but the problem is that they think it matters after the game ends. And that’s because these pricks are going out and causing the trouble because they are so ignorant about the subject, so unable to look at themselves and go, ‘I really should deal with my violent nature’ , that They should realise its built in that person to behave that way when they don’t get their way. that’s exactly why violence is used by these fuck wits  to manipulate and punish someone who doesn’t agree with what you want or think should happen.They are too ignorant to realise that they should blame, if they really care about football, how shit our team played, and then once that feeling ends naturally to get on with their life. the phrase ‘I live and breathe football’ should never be used as a term, because frankly, there is millions  of other things you should also be interested in, and one ultimately should be that there is far more important things in life ahead of how your sport teams doing that you should be concentrating on.

There’s also a level of ignorance that’s going to be hit at us Geordie’s now that I implore everyone who thinks this to reconsider: which is blaming every Geordie as violent, drunken fools who go looking for trouble. This is something that really is being promoted by irresponsible journalism and productions that promote stereotypes and put a minority into a majority representation of a society that simply isn’t realistic or balanced. This will be and already has been promoted in the sense of ‘geordies at it again’ when we already have the indignity of shows like Geordie shore that promote us in completely a bad light. Just as it is ignorant for people to say all Newcastle football fans are hooligans, I’m not ignorant to say there aren’t people like this out there, but just as geordie shore puts geordie in the title and claims thats what they are, is just like putting football in front of hooligans. they are hooligans and are outside of football, and they don’t belong anywhere in society not just being banned from getting into a football stadium.

I’ve been a fan of football as long as I can remember, but it would be ignorant of me to think football is blameless and heres why.If you look at football as a whole, it does have a lot to answer in terms of way it represents itself. players get more more per week then some people do in their entire lifetime, and club now builds up millions and millions of pounds worth of debt and still survive every year exempt from economic crisis, and most players who get the limelight are adultery ridden, air rifle shooting, prostitute shagging idiots. Football in general really needs to have a serious look at itself in the multi million pound mirror and do more in creating a good example for the people that watch it. The example that always springs to mind was we had two people at our club years ago that were on the same team fought on the pitch (all that was missing was the handbags). Now because it was on the pitch no action was taken against them, but if it was off the pitch they surely would have been arrested? or the air rifle shooting where a famous player shot a student at a training ground and it was laughed off as ‘footballers, aren’t they a laugh?!’. The same idiots that are being violent are the same ones that are looking at footballers who are get away with it and are probably thinking ‘well if they can get away with it, so can we!’ Also, if you look at some of the tackling that’s in the game at the moment, some of the players are becoming irresponsible and violent in their two footed lunges that could potentially harm the other player that it’s getting harder and harder to like the game any more.  Also,  more often than not these type of things don’t get the attention of ‘we need to do something about this for the integrity of the game’ by the people who can do something bout it……not mentioning any names…..fifa! Fa! Shit! me and my mouth!

Now I’ve seen a lot of people saying that, ‘I can’t believe people would do this, there will be children there’ which of course is not nice at all, but really I think there’s  much larger point to be made. Society in general needs to start respecting human beings again, whether they are old,young, mature, thick or thin, mario or luigi..Its a bit like people who has baby on board stickers at the back of their car, like the person behind will say ‘well I won’t ram into the back of that car then’ . Or that if its your grandma they’d  say ‘well I can ram into the back of that car because…its only grandma!’. grandma, child or any other human life is just as important, and we are all in this society together so we all have to make that more conservative effort to respect everyone and get the respect back.. I’m a libertarian in that I believe you can do what you want, providing you don’t inhibit someone else or hurt anyone else to do so. violence has no place in this world, if you can’t handle somebody being different, whether its looks, interests, appearance, opinions, that you feel the need to attack them for it, you have no rights at all to be respected. because you clearly don’t respect anyone else.

As I started the blog I said ‘Isn’t it such a shame that we live in a world where there are so many people that think they are in the right to say what they want, do what they like, without any consequences? without thinking twice about what they are doing?’ you can do what you like and say what you want in society as long as you think of the consequences, and if it hurts someone, you don’t do it. But that requires two thoughts, therefore I’m not sure these thugs can handle it.

all that remains to say is even though hooligans are just hooligans, it seems football is not a funny game anymore, and I find myself once again disappointed by that.

my tabletop day experience: why I love geeks and gaming

After t2013-03-30 12.43.09he 16th hour of games, I took the cucumber slices of my eyes and soathing creams of my face(even I find that image ridiculous, because I’m obviously kidding), and with how much I knew this fantastic day was over, I knew It was time to leave and go home. For those that have no clue what I am on about, I was part of yesterdays brilliant international tabletop day devised by my fellow geek’s at Geek and Sundry.the idea was to get everyone around the world to host an event, wherever they can and with whoever they can, and play board games all day, which is frigging awesome.So me and my new friends from Newcastle gamers decided to do just that, and we decided to do it for charity i.e all the money that’s raised from it is going to a local charity here in Newcastle England.

tabletop day on the service is such a simple idea, yet something like 3300 events in 50 countries participated in the simple act of playing board games with strangers, friends, family, all to embrace and enjoy the brilliant, coming together of people that gaming can create. It generally gives me hope that we can take the word geek and gaming, and mean it as abstractly as I do, that  its about being interested, and appreciate the things that we love not to discriminate against for liking things, whether they are differentSAMSUNG or not. That’s why gaming is beautiful and this idea is so awesome, because it gets together people for all ages, with all different ideas or varying levels of relationships/friendships and gets to know someone more while playing something fun, engaging and enjoyable.

What other thing does that so effectively? how many times have you fought members of your family for the remote and lost? sitting painlessly through a show that you really didn’t want to watch? well, we played for 16 hours and not one time did someone request not to play something. The great thing is that even if your shit at something, which I am for most games, then you still have the advantage of talking and enjoying the company, in a sense the game doesn’t matter if the company is good. With gamers, the majority are interested, keen to try something new and you find that if you play something they want to play, they’ll play a game of yours. this is due to games being playable more so than ever right to the end, so you don’t feel alienated, and TV regardless of what people say, is practically becoming a solo activity, because there’s so much stuff to watch and its hard to find something for everyone. in games, so much choice, but you literally can’t play without cooperation and you still get the end result: bags of geeky fun stuff! which ironically is a name I used to dance under.

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as I said earlier the great thing about games , and tabletop day was a great example of this, is that the time fame of games is so diverse that whatever your in the mood for you can play. like i brought food from home so while some peeps went out for food, we played zombie dice, in which the dice were literally trying to kill me! as you’ll see in the photo, the idea is to avoid the bullet symbols and i rolled 5! this is really hard to suck that bad, its really rare. as in if i poked myself in the eye, while wearing an eye patch on the other eye, or including not playing the game in the first place, i still could roll better than i did then! but as luck would have it, I won in the next turns! but its simple and can be a two player game, so while we were waiting there was still something to play that was great. for your hilarity I’d never won in 2 months since going to my club, but the strange thing about it is its a very short term effect in actually winning. the first feeling I have is ”That’s awesome can we play again’, or ‘lets play another game’. If you look at the first photo of this blog for example, that’s part of a game called war on terror, where you wear the evil hat if your evil, now i know i look like a dick (i do anyway and some think I’m evil anyway) but the thing is, it really didn’t matter. I wasn’t bullied for it, it was all in good spirit! And I hope that one of the things that tabletop does is that it brings people who are worried about being humiliated or picked on , that it really isn’t the case and that they try coming along like people did at the event. free hugs for everyone!

Its funny as i say that because it reminded me that ever since I’ve learnt to accept who I am and what I like, far less people attack me for being who I am. and the irony is, it was more when I wasn’t doing geeky things that people attacked me for liking the things I liked that I wasn’t letting myself like in the first place. in gaming circles 99% of the time your accepted instantly and you’ll find people in there you really like. and it really isn’t a competitive environment so the idea of losing is not anywhere near as humiliating as the douche bag lack of real spirited gamers that attack you online for being supposedly shit at something. This is why board games in particular are awesome, because its underpinnings are promoting cooperation between the players, whether your playing 2013-03-30 12.47.20against each other, or not. That’s why in particular games like castle panic  or pandemic, lord of the rings and other co-operative games are great for people who are unsure, because its all of you versus the board. of course you may get someone with more experience playing the game, but in general they are all for hearing what you think we should do, that’s why its a much more enjoyable experience! us gamers want you there!

That’s why I really like someone if they say, yeah ill play, ill play anything, rather than someone that goes ‘dude that doesn’t sound like something id like’. how the feck do you know? if you  like games, then i generally would like you (i would like to hug you too for 2013-03-30 11.57.11being awesome), because i do think your more likely to be open minded, imaginative, interested in the same things as me. or not interested in anything I like, and that’s the point, games gets us together to talk about and enjoy anything. look at a game we played on tabletop day like pandemic(photo picture on the right), your going to get beat by it, but we tried, and we nearly beat it on legendary! we were 2 steps away from curing all the disease. for those that don’t know the game you have to stop a world wide pandemic by working together to cure all 4 viruses that are affecting the world. if you play on legendary, you never win, but we had the cure, we only had one card in the deck that could kill us, and it came out! I really wanted to raSAMSUNGge quit! but we spent most of the day bringing it up how awesome it was playing together, and I didn’t know the guys I was playing with but I liked playing the game with them. Isn’t that great? Peeps I didn’t know and we already have a story about us playing a game we lost at. that’s the point, whether you win or not, its fun, you laugh, you enjoy yourself. which is good cos i usually win fuck all 🙂

That’s why i love being a geek as well as a gamer, the openness to accept people and allow people to show how much they like things.I saw an article with Simon Pegg recently that said exactly the same thing about geeks. Being a geek is not only having an interested, a love, but it allows you to be that way for everything. Its such a better existance to love what you love because it makes you happy, because you’ll find that it makes other people around you more comfortable within themselves, which is exactly what being a geek as done for me. in a sense I’m not being anything, geek is not a group, its in many ways an ideology of just being interested about people, and not letting anyone who doesn’t, stop you from loving the things you do. I played 16 hours worth of games during the event, and all it felt like was getting to know people, and loving the hell out of it because we were playing awesome games!

So if someone does take anything from tabletop day, I hope its their love of games and that it’s ok to like the things you like, because if we can collectively be 3300 events in one day around the world, we really aren’t alone in thinking the way we do!

and all for just picking up a board games and playing it? thats why gaming is beautiful and important.

play more games 🙂

i did a podcast at the event which you can find here www.geekapocalypse.com/shows

and there’s a you tube diary of me throughout the day and thank you I did for Geek and Sundry that you can find below 🙂