This is not enough monologue

I recently said this speech about mental health and society at an awareness seminar: heres the transcript: I meant every word and on a day where we are easily fooled, somehow seems appropriate.  

‘Isn’t life So interesting? Just look at all the things we do on average in life as an example. Think about it. The mere fact that I can type this on a computer was because someone, in this case Charles Babbage, thought outside the box in making the first programmable computer and Tim Berners lee invented the WWW for me to be able to send out this speech into the ethos that is the internet. Think of that for a moment, think of how many times they had to think and rethink and work and work and work and try unbelievably long, hard and tiresome years to come up with something no one was able to achieve or do? Think about the scale of failure they had to face and how easy it would be to do just nothing? Just think about how we need to clean our teeth, go to the toilet, shower, maybe shave, and someone in each individual case thought about making these things and making things easier, and doing it, without permission and forgetting how difficult something is in the process, but focusing more on how interesting it can be to try and achieve something? Just think of everything you do, one by one on an average day, and how much we rely on each other for anything in the process of life. If you hear anyone say ‘hey man I don’t need anyone or anything’ remind them of the ability to think twice and about all the things what we probably take for granted everyday. Just think about the conversation you have with whoever you live with every morning and how valuable it is to have an avenue to express yourself every single day. How valuable and powerful it is just to have someone to listen.

I think all the time about how much human beings influence each other, how much we need other people to do anything worthwhile or to survive. And isn’t that beautiful? Perfectly beautiful? Just think about how much your parents had to do to get you to where you are now? All the million diaper changes and trying to stop you from not dying from your own sick and all the tantrums and mood swings and all the shit life throws at you. Or when you needed a friend on that day that your ex sends you unnecessarily hurtful and false messages when you really don’t need them. Or when you have a shit day at work and your boyfriend or girlfriend cuddles you and gives you the chance to get over it by just being there for you. Whatever the situation, How much does that mean to have that support? To have that unreserved loyalty and respect for someone you know? If you have that I envy you. We always need someone, all the time, whether we are aware of it or not and whether it means everything or something. And it really matters, otherwise what are we living for?

Yet I ask you to look around and have a look? What do you see? Right now at this very second. Ill tell you what I see.I look at what I see now, today, and all I know is what I see is not enough. I see more than anything an unreserved fuck you to get to fame by any means necessary or spending our time reading how people feel lost or funny or useless in 140 characters or less? I see a severe lack of personal meaningful communication and conversation other than ofcourse posting how you think about something later today, because it is so much more important for your high school friends you haven’t seen in 10 years to know that you hate everything in life and need someone rather than making the time to see someone who actually wants to be there for you? Just think about how many event invites you get, just think, who actually wants you to be there? Do they tell you personally they’d like to see you? Would they even notice if you weren’t there? How impersonal is that actual setup? And think about how many upset messages you put hoping that you get someone saying they care? and how hurt that person must feel to do that? because its so easy in the internet, to miss something, or to defer responsibility because, it cant be as bad as they say is…right?

The way people throw around the word support is interesting too. Is support now regarded as simply turning up? or that you waiting for a response you hope turns up? Is that now regarded as good enough? As in ‘Thankyou ill see you next month where we will repeat this endless cycle where we learn nothing about each other’? Because to me support is by its very morality helping someone when it is inconvenient to do so because you want to help them not suffer. I every single day sit and listen to my mam bitch and complain and ask me to do a million things at once cos she is vulnerable, because I want to help and if it ultimately helps her ill do it. So is that not support that I do?

We as a society have gotten so friggin lazy. I hear countless stories of people saying they fall out with people who don’t text or comment or dont go to an event they got ‘invited’ on facebook. Why are you not pissed at them for not asking them to do something in reality? and why arent we liking the person, rather than just liking their comment or update? And why arent you asking yourself where your spending your energy on? Things that ultimately don’t matter. Is this really what the next generation has to look forward to? a place where we encourage the easy way? is easy the better way? where is preferable to not go to the trouble of sharing your life? it is easy to press send, anyone can do it, its not easy being there for someone. But which is the most important?

I bet you here and now more than ever in your life people say to you, ‘I do not have the time’. Examine that. What are they actually telling you? They are basically telling you how they are not prepared to make any time for you. What is more of a symbol of love support and caring than giving time? Whether its a 5 minute conversation to a afternoon hanging out? What is more meaningful in life? Let me tell you what friends mean to me. I live with my parkinson sufferer ( and now being cancer treated) mother that I look after at home, and I run a business full time, and in the last year I have done 59 podcasts in one year and produced, organised, ran shows, wrote blogs, everything on my own. And I’m tired, really fucking tired to the point where I dont wake up without being in pain. I work around 100 hours a week on everything and need to earn a living and offer emotional support and Im always tired in anyway you want to take it as. I’ve had enough of the lack of help and support from people that should be helping me. I have a fucked shoulder, I get no help, I do not sleep through the sheer amount of responsibility and expectation on my shoulders and I need someone to help me get through it. Like right now. not when you feel like getting round to it. But what am I Meant to do? Stop? Quit? Not care? Remember that thinking I meantioned earlier? What would you do? And if you said what I just said what would you want people you cared about to do? Yet I always without fail make it a priority to see my friends. because I know how much it means being there, because what if you werent there when they needed you most? its about them, they need you, and it saddens me that someones word means nothing anymore. Because without a shadow of a doubt I do not think anything is more important in this world than seeing people that matter to me. But what do you do when its not reciprocated? Is it enough now for people to say ‘well I thought about you today?’ cos if so I love a lot of people then. What does thinking mean if you don’t act upon it? If you think you love someone, how do you let them know you love them? BY MAKING TIME FOR THEM…what changed? Am I not good enough? do I need to try harder?

So when someone tells me or you they don’t have time, what are we meant to say? I don’t believe you? Does that mean I should feel the same? The ‘fuck this lets just not talk or do anything serious, lets just pretend and wait to die?’ Should I just accept this is all we do? Should I do what everyone else does and wait for permission of this imaginery permission giver? Cos You cant make people care. So what are we meant to do to show we care now? Complain about it on an update unless someone gives in through pity?? Whatever happened to real talking? real Communication,understanding? And wheres the reassurance? So many people fail to reiterate to someone they mean something, again are we just meant to think everyone wishes we felt better? Or do we actually do something about it? And are you sick of people feeling pity as much as I am? Pity is the most useless emotion, there are so many people I know who always say ‘well thats the way it is’ or ‘I wish there was something we can do’ rather than thinking they can do something about it, we can do something, if we just understood how much you can make a difference. how much we can make a difference to each other.

And thats the reason I wanted to say this. Its the reason I wake up angry and why life disappoints me more than youll ever realise, cos the way society is and the lack of connection feels so alien to me. I hear so many conversations with people that just feel like they cant make a difference to anyone,when The reason I am here now trying to survive is through certain people taking a chance on me. And as I said at the beginning of this blog,look at our lives, someone somewhere in everything we say and do, influenced you and helped you be the person you are today. So isnt that worth fighting for? Am I worth fighting for? I ask myself that everyday, and I wish someone somewhere had an answer and turned up to my door to tell me that. because if we ‘care’ from afar, the answer is I’m not good enough.

Cos who am I to say this to you? All I am is a manic depressive lonely geek who doesnt need a therapist, he just needs someone who cares to talk to. Someone who has his back regardless of the circumstance. and if I look at the statistics of surviving my illness and how things are, I should just quit life now. I do not have any form of communication with anyone regularly, because I always think in regards to text and emails and impersonal stuff ‘is this it?’ cos if it is, I’m not sure ill ever enjoy getting up in the morning again. I only talk to people when I go out or to try to organise seeing people and its why I have so much energy when I see people and never want to leave because, whoever you are, I dont want you to leave cos your the reason I keep going. Cos I know that Ill go back to a place where I cant say how I feel. I cant get a break, I cant enjoy just being alive. The point im making is I’m nothing special, just a guy chasing a dream with too much responsiblities, yet somehow I keep trying. Yet itll go back to people doing nothing, feeling they cant do something….

And it would be so much easier to not care, and not be upset over things ,but life to me just does not seem meaningful without it, Its in my nature to want you to be part of my life physically, not virtually or spiritually, but physically here with me. that’s why it hurts me. But you, whoever you are mean more than you’ll ever know in making difference to me and everyone around you. Are you ok with the fact that nothing seems to change and We just accept mediocre, irrelevant, mundane? cos if you aren’t happy with it, I need your help, now more than ever.

I just hope this means more than words. Cos this is not enough’.

thanks for listening.



Socal media/texting gives us too much of an easy choice

Its funny if you look back at the inventions of what made things we use today great in regards to the internet. They always end up not being as good in my opinion as they once were. Or they lose their original purpose and become a kind of mesh of random not as good as if you looked elsewhere type thing.

Look at Facebook for example. What was once invented for Harvard students to share photos and comment online has become a messenger,advertising,company driven, celebrity taking, gaming network that all not as good if you went looking for one of them features individually. The key reason it works to me in popularity is that it gives the impression that you have everything you could need: browse what your friends are up to and share photos easily and talk to anyone that is on your friends list. Sounds great doesn’t it?

Problem is that its a bit like reality TV, trying to imply something happening when nothing is.The thing is the more that people I know combined with the bigger that Facebook gets the more I think its becoming incredibly destructive for a number of reasons. It makes things far too easy because you most likely already know what they have been up to because of their posts on their Facebook profile. recently family members brought some holiday photos round and members of my family said, ‘don’t need to see it cos I seen them on Facebook’ and I thought ‘we are losing the ability to personally and privately share and be grateful of people making an effort’. They went out of their way to print photos to show us and we threw it back in their face and the thing is, this is the way you know someone cares and how you actually connect with people  on a personal level. That connection is lost fleetingly and not seriously because its a small post in the large amount of posts you see on an average day.

As I said earlier, You know already most likely what the person has been doing by the post or photos they do, so when you next see them as they discuss what it was they were doing  your most likely to say ‘oh yeah I seen it on face book’. We are losing essentially small talk, but the  thing is, some people who I hold dear are deciding not to share things not because they don’t want to but because they think everyone they know has seen it already and don’t want to repeat themselves. That worries me in regards to having meaningful relationships and friendships that it makes it hard to actually regularly connect with people in a natural spontaneous way. Look at how people end up liking each other, usually its something you are never expecting and want to explore. It’s abit like a dating profile, you already know what you don’t like about someone or don’t before you have even met them. Yet, anyone who I’ve seen who are with someone know chances are they will be something that will annoy you, it implies and encourages a perfection that just isn’t realistic in finding.  because by our very definition we are human beings that makes mistakes and it just is not truthful.

The other thing that really disturbs me is texting, because again it was meant to be used as a quick way of communication and yet people try and talk to me about serious stuff when it literally doesn’t fit the technology. I say to everyone all the time, the problem with texting and any written communication is that it is your interpretation in reading it, which can easily not be the way that the persons means in what they are saying. At least in a phone call you can hear the way they are saying things and make a more informed decision. It should only be an option though if you can not go round and see them directly. If you really respect and like someone, they deserve to be told to their face, regardless of what it is that you are telling them.

Also, being a liberal in that people should say what they want, it still shocks me that people use facebook or social media as a way to personally attack someone. IF they are important to you and have upset you, tell them and deal with it properly, and if they aren’t worth bothering about, then why spend time telling everyone else you kinda know or not know what you think about it. It doesn’t make sense, but people in an open society feel the need to declare themselves, yet how they do it is self defeating.

The thing that really concerns me, is that we are building a generation of cowards, that would rather do the easy way than the right way. If your doing that every day then its going to seep into other parts of your life, and that’s not the right way to grow. the truth is what’s important and we need to get back to that. Would you rather be known as brave and honest, or a coward and a liar?

Always use things in moderation, and I hope we don’t lose the beauty of getting to know someone.