Depression lies part 2: manic depression/ why sharing is everything

I recently put up a new vlog where I talked about my battles with manic depression and how I hope that it would help anyone who feels anything like I do get the help they need and some comfort that that someone also feels like they do. heres the link!

I have been feeling  over the last few weeks very lonely and finding life in general difficult so many ask me why go through the struggle of doing something like this. the honest answer is I want to make a difference, and as I have been saying in twitter conversations there is people in this world that I love that do not understand what i go through and the only way we can get better at this is through being open, so it gives people the chance to understand more and help.

So i hope this helps you, or someone you know, and tell me if it does as some already have and it means the world to me just to tell someone that we do not have to fight this alone anymore, i certainly am sick of it!

your friend

Steven

Advertisements

Sometimes you can only try your best…

Its kind of funny sometimes how life works isn’t it? Even when you plan for time off thinking ‘right I’m going to do my best work and be productive and be awesome and the best I can be’ , it isn’t always how its works out.

Because I really am finding life at this moment of time not funny at all, which anyone that knows me knows that I try often to be in situations where I can laugh, ideally with friends or people I love to be around. I also should be happy in that something i.e. my web series that I spent A year and a half working on has finally been recorded and worked on with people I like and respect. I should be happy that I have been hired to run a geek night where I get to teach games and do a live Geek Apocalypse Podcast which I have wanted to do since I started the podcast.  I should be happy that ever single penny of what I have earned has been through hardwork and trying to do things that I want to do. I should be happy…..yet I’m not.

Which is because I am depressed, and depression does not give a fuck what you are doing ,it decides to unpack its bags and settle down right outside your front door. In all honestly, I have spent the last few days feeling so ungrateful and unproductive. I woke up on Sunday having finished recording the web series and I felt….unfulfilled. Now I am sure that your shouting, ‘but the fulfilment is coming Steven!’ and your right, but I expected to feel like I was happy with what I was doing. But in context I was feeling weird the last two weeks and was steadily getting worse to the point where I am crying more than laughing every day. Which is obviously bizarre but something I am used to.

Its a terrible feeling because a lot of the time you feel so self conscious and I am spending my time with people thinking ‘I am so not fun right now’ and to be honest, I am not really very fun at all right now. Now, if I put things into perspective, which is very hard to do while depressed, I could be affected by personal things like, my mam having a cancer scare, and my aunti’s going through a difficult time.  but to be honest, as difficult as those situations are, I feel I have dealt with them pretty well considering how trying it’s been for me, because for me, its easier being strong for others more than for myself as its more difficult for them than me in that situation.

Everytime I feel this way though, the honest truth is, the thing that’s difficult for me more than anything is, is this loneliness I feel 99% of the time. I understand completely that I am not alone in this, but I guess I mean, their is always so much responsibility on my shoulders that a lot of the time i have to be the strong one, so in a sense I cant be the one that cries all the time. Yet, due to my depression I sadly am one of those people who needs to feel loved and appreciated more when I feel that I can’t even look into people eyes due to feeling totally unimportant.I guess I feel that because, I very often see people I know, married or with someone, that will go to the end of the earth for their partner or lover or spouse or family, and I always get hit with the feeling that, I wish someone fought for me, for once, just so I can take a break and feel the love they get to feel every single day. I guess that’s what I mean by feeling lonely. I can not imagine having someone fight for you and listen to you everyday with the view to helping you anyway they can. and just listen, hug you…. just cos you need a hug. I’m not saying one sided cos like I say I have a lot of responsibility and I’m used to giving, but just…saying ‘I’m here for you, whenever you need me cos you matter’. The irony is I can’t afford therapy so i have no real way of talking this through, and a therapist as helpful as they are, are not personally attached.

But the reason why I started this blog by saying, isnt life funny? It never goes the way you want it to all the time, and I’ll keep trying to get over this, because no matter what day it is, sometimes you can only try your best……and as much as I’m going to struggle, I’ll keep trying.

update on lack of blogs! busy busy bee honey writing web series!

IMAG3537Ι am aware I haven’t wrote anything in a while and it has been bothering me, because in totally honesty, I really enjoy writing this blog. every since I have written stuff down from around 14 years old, it is very much therapy for me. And those that know me know I very much need as much therapy as I can get! which does sound funny but is also very much true! I am just always hopeful that its fun crazy more than any other type of crazy. Ill pause now as any friend reading this politely nods….

by the way I’ve had a blog in my drafts folder for a while now, where I have wrote about that very subject, and for various reasons I have never been able to press the publish button, mainly because it needs work and I don’t feel its the right time to dedicate my time telling my story on that.Maybe its the feeling of if I go ill go all the way kind of feeling.  But one day I definitely will, especially with the importance of talking about mental health being reminded with Stephen fry admitting his struggles recently. It will always be important to talk about it because my immediate reaction to Stephens admission  is that I hope one day mental health wont be debated, but understood. And if i can help that happen by even one person knowing my side of that then it will be worth doing, just like my mam talking about her parkinson illness, the more people that know the better everyone can understand the condition. but like i say, one day ill talk about it fully from my point of view,

but the truth is in regards to my blog inactivity, is that I have been ridiculously busy after uk expo. not only did I do two blogs during the weekend and then have to edit two podcasts, but Most of my recent time has been spent writing a web series. My basic and rather tragic failings after uni was I tried to get into the BBC as a producer and got very close to doing so. now one of the things they ask you to do is write a pilot, so I wrote a show called looking forward to failure! now ever since I wrote it, it has been on my old computer that i originally thought Id lost the data for . but, I came up with the genius solution (ok my cousin did, but he isn’t here to take the credit!) to buy the casing for a external hard drive so i could reuse my old hard drive. So through the wonder of magic commonly known as technology, hey presto! I could get my data of it and there it was, my old series pilot!  So, after willing myself to think it wont suck balls, I decided to read it, and yeah it needed work ,but it got me feeling passionate about writing again. And some of it made me laugh which I very rarely do in regards to my own material. So I decided there and then to commit my spare time to write this and see if i could make it a web series!

its funny, I really don’t believe in coincidences or that the stars align and all the pieces fall right into place,(I’m a scorpio that ain’t gonna happen-joke) but I know things can influence me. coupled with the good fortune of finding the script I have been watching so many web series, that it made me realise that something like this can be possible if I put my mind to it. It’s really weird though, cos like I said right at the beginning of this blog I really struggle with having to be over confident in making something happen but with business and creative pursuits you kinda have to be. With a web series you kind have to have the mindset that it will be made then it will be successful in order to have the motivation to make it happen in the first place. Or at least I have to, which makes me sad because all i really want to do is to see it made but anyone that writes something that says that  they don’t care if its not successful are simply not telling the truth.  

Ultimately, I think if i don’t dedicate all my time to it ill slack of and then lose the desire to complete it ,and to be honest, I do that far too often that I might never complete any idea ever! so other than my regular schedule of podcasting and freelance work, I’m trying desperately to get the script ready by finishing the final episode of the first season so I can then try and  get it to the next stage! then theres figure out the kickstarter project so if anyone says to me in the next few days, Steven you dont work hard, you may not see them again!

because the things that are worth working hard for, are the reason they are hard in the first place!

picturesbybish.com-108

 

i did an interview where i talked about Geek apocalypse in detail! if your interested here it it is!