This is not enough monologue

I recently said this speech about mental health and society at an awareness seminar: heres the transcript: I meant every word and on a day where we are easily fooled, somehow seems appropriate.  

‘Isn’t life So interesting? Just look at all the things we do on average in life as an example. Think about it. The mere fact that I can type this on a computer was because someone, in this case Charles Babbage, thought outside the box in making the first programmable computer and Tim Berners lee invented the WWW for me to be able to send out this speech into the ethos that is the internet. Think of that for a moment, think of how many times they had to think and rethink and work and work and work and try unbelievably long, hard and tiresome years to come up with something no one was able to achieve or do? Think about the scale of failure they had to face and how easy it would be to do just nothing? Just think about how we need to clean our teeth, go to the toilet, shower, maybe shave, and someone in each individual case thought about making these things and making things easier, and doing it, without permission and forgetting how difficult something is in the process, but focusing more on how interesting it can be to try and achieve something? Just think of everything you do, one by one on an average day, and how much we rely on each other for anything in the process of life. If you hear anyone say ‘hey man I don’t need anyone or anything’ remind them of the ability to think twice and about all the things what we probably take for granted everyday. Just think about the conversation you have with whoever you live with every morning and how valuable it is to have an avenue to express yourself every single day. How valuable and powerful it is just to have someone to listen.

I think all the time about how much human beings influence each other, how much we need other people to do anything worthwhile or to survive. And isn’t that beautiful? Perfectly beautiful? Just think about how much your parents had to do to get you to where you are now? All the million diaper changes and trying to stop you from not dying from your own sick and all the tantrums and mood swings and all the shit life throws at you. Or when you needed a friend on that day that your ex sends you unnecessarily hurtful and false messages when you really don’t need them. Or when you have a shit day at work and your boyfriend or girlfriend cuddles you and gives you the chance to get over it by just being there for you. Whatever the situation, How much does that mean to have that support? To have that unreserved loyalty and respect for someone you know? If you have that I envy you. We always need someone, all the time, whether we are aware of it or not and whether it means everything or something. And it really matters, otherwise what are we living for?

Yet I ask you to look around and have a look? What do you see? Right now at this very second. Ill tell you what I see.I look at what I see now, today, and all I know is what I see is not enough. I see more than anything an unreserved fuck you to get to fame by any means necessary or spending our time reading how people feel lost or funny or useless in 140 characters or less? I see a severe lack of personal meaningful communication and conversation other than ofcourse posting how you think about something later today, because it is so much more important for your high school friends you haven’t seen in 10 years to know that you hate everything in life and need someone rather than making the time to see someone who actually wants to be there for you? Just think about how many event invites you get, just think, who actually wants you to be there? Do they tell you personally they’d like to see you? Would they even notice if you weren’t there? How impersonal is that actual setup? And think about how many upset messages you put hoping that you get someone saying they care? and how hurt that person must feel to do that? because its so easy in the internet, to miss something, or to defer responsibility because, it cant be as bad as they say is…right?

The way people throw around the word support is interesting too. Is support now regarded as simply turning up? or that you waiting for a response you hope turns up? Is that now regarded as good enough? As in ‘Thankyou ill see you next month where we will repeat this endless cycle where we learn nothing about each other’? Because to me support is by its very morality helping someone when it is inconvenient to do so because you want to help them not suffer. I every single day sit and listen to my mam bitch and complain and ask me to do a million things at once cos she is vulnerable, because I want to help and if it ultimately helps her ill do it. So is that not support that I do?

We as a society have gotten so friggin lazy. I hear countless stories of people saying they fall out with people who don’t text or comment or dont go to an event they got ‘invited’ on facebook. Why are you not pissed at them for not asking them to do something in reality? and why arent we liking the person, rather than just liking their comment or update? And why arent you asking yourself where your spending your energy on? Things that ultimately don’t matter. Is this really what the next generation has to look forward to? a place where we encourage the easy way? is easy the better way? where is preferable to not go to the trouble of sharing your life? it is easy to press send, anyone can do it, its not easy being there for someone. But which is the most important?

I bet you here and now more than ever in your life people say to you, ‘I do not have the time’. Examine that. What are they actually telling you? They are basically telling you how they are not prepared to make any time for you. What is more of a symbol of love support and caring than giving time? Whether its a 5 minute conversation to a afternoon hanging out? What is more meaningful in life? Let me tell you what friends mean to me. I live with my parkinson sufferer ( and now being cancer treated) mother that I look after at home, and I run a business full time, and in the last year I have done 59 podcasts in one year and produced, organised, ran shows, wrote blogs, everything on my own. And I’m tired, really fucking tired to the point where I dont wake up without being in pain. I work around 100 hours a week on everything and need to earn a living and offer emotional support and Im always tired in anyway you want to take it as. I’ve had enough of the lack of help and support from people that should be helping me. I have a fucked shoulder, I get no help, I do not sleep through the sheer amount of responsibility and expectation on my shoulders and I need someone to help me get through it. Like right now. not when you feel like getting round to it. But what am I Meant to do? Stop? Quit? Not care? Remember that thinking I meantioned earlier? What would you do? And if you said what I just said what would you want people you cared about to do? Yet I always without fail make it a priority to see my friends. because I know how much it means being there, because what if you werent there when they needed you most? its about them, they need you, and it saddens me that someones word means nothing anymore. Because without a shadow of a doubt I do not think anything is more important in this world than seeing people that matter to me. But what do you do when its not reciprocated? Is it enough now for people to say ‘well I thought about you today?’ cos if so I love a lot of people then. What does thinking mean if you don’t act upon it? If you think you love someone, how do you let them know you love them? BY MAKING TIME FOR THEM…what changed? Am I not good enough? do I need to try harder?

So when someone tells me or you they don’t have time, what are we meant to say? I don’t believe you? Does that mean I should feel the same? The ‘fuck this lets just not talk or do anything serious, lets just pretend and wait to die?’ Should I just accept this is all we do? Should I do what everyone else does and wait for permission of this imaginery permission giver? Cos You cant make people care. So what are we meant to do to show we care now? Complain about it on an update unless someone gives in through pity?? Whatever happened to real talking? real Communication,understanding? And wheres the reassurance? So many people fail to reiterate to someone they mean something, again are we just meant to think everyone wishes we felt better? Or do we actually do something about it? And are you sick of people feeling pity as much as I am? Pity is the most useless emotion, there are so many people I know who always say ‘well thats the way it is’ or ‘I wish there was something we can do’ rather than thinking they can do something about it, we can do something, if we just understood how much you can make a difference. how much we can make a difference to each other.

And thats the reason I wanted to say this. Its the reason I wake up angry and why life disappoints me more than youll ever realise, cos the way society is and the lack of connection feels so alien to me. I hear so many conversations with people that just feel like they cant make a difference to anyone,when The reason I am here now trying to survive is through certain people taking a chance on me. And as I said at the beginning of this blog,look at our lives, someone somewhere in everything we say and do, influenced you and helped you be the person you are today. So isnt that worth fighting for? Am I worth fighting for? I ask myself that everyday, and I wish someone somewhere had an answer and turned up to my door to tell me that. because if we ‘care’ from afar, the answer is I’m not good enough.

Cos who am I to say this to you? All I am is a manic depressive lonely geek who doesnt need a therapist, he just needs someone who cares to talk to. Someone who has his back regardless of the circumstance. and if I look at the statistics of surviving my illness and how things are, I should just quit life now. I do not have any form of communication with anyone regularly, because I always think in regards to text and emails and impersonal stuff ‘is this it?’ cos if it is, I’m not sure ill ever enjoy getting up in the morning again. I only talk to people when I go out or to try to organise seeing people and its why I have so much energy when I see people and never want to leave because, whoever you are, I dont want you to leave cos your the reason I keep going. Cos I know that Ill go back to a place where I cant say how I feel. I cant get a break, I cant enjoy just being alive. The point im making is I’m nothing special, just a guy chasing a dream with too much responsiblities, yet somehow I keep trying. Yet itll go back to people doing nothing, feeling they cant do something….

And it would be so much easier to not care, and not be upset over things ,but life to me just does not seem meaningful without it, Its in my nature to want you to be part of my life physically, not virtually or spiritually, but physically here with me. that’s why it hurts me. But you, whoever you are mean more than you’ll ever know in making difference to me and everyone around you. Are you ok with the fact that nothing seems to change and We just accept mediocre, irrelevant, mundane? cos if you aren’t happy with it, I need your help, now more than ever.

I just hope this means more than words. Cos this is not enough’.

thanks for listening.



Those who do not weep, do not see.

I find the world fascinating, so much so that if you left me without the pressures of modern society and left me the opportunity to observe the world and travel to the corners of the earth, then I feel like I may eventually hit the dreaded word we crave called content..

I’ve been having so many emotions hit me in the last week, some personal stuff I’ve had to deal with that makes me wonder a lot of things. Should I be as open as I am, should I be as open minded as I feel and should I strive to seek the truth no matter what the truth may be. Everything I ever do is honest, anyone that looks at Geek Apocalypse whether its the podcast or this blog or knows me well enough, I hope that they would say that no matter what mistakes I make that at least I make them. I really try to do the right thing, and through various things like not being intelligent enough about whatever it is or not understanding certain things, I try to the best of my ability to think of others just like I would like to be treated.

I’d like to think that I have the right amount of confidence, I know through quite a long bout of suffering that I believe the things I believe and I know who I am. Yet when I feel like I am being taking advantage of like recently I wonder if being as open or as honest as I am is worth it. Being open leaves you totally vulnerable to that happening and can leave you feeling embarrassed and the most destructive feeling for me: disappointed.

so if I tell you what I did today is cried and wished I wasn’t open at all, I would be telling you that sometimes it does not go the way you wanted to. Also it leads to the interesting question, is it good to cry? It always amuses me that people say crying is showing that your soft. I always find myself going ‘Steven stop crying’ when i start, as if its for some reason not allowed to be sad about something or to be moved by a piece of art. Whenever I think I’m disgracing the male gender by crying I always think of the brilliant dickens quote:

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 

So I question today whether being open and honest is the best thing to be. Then I go see my friends, we laugh, we joke, we be as open and as honest as you like and I realise, the best relationships and friendships need that in order to flourish and succeed. You cant get the bad without the good, and without being open, you cant get the best, which is all I want.

I shouldnt apologise for being open and I ask you to join me, whatever the conversation takes us.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss